


Lincoln's Valentines

by Nosferatu676



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Character Development, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Multi, Plot, Romance, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Incest, Some Humor, Story within a Story, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 23:43:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16148027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nosferatu676/pseuds/Nosferatu676
Summary: A house with 10 chocoholic girls is a stressful place to be in during the month of February. The family practice of exchanging chocolates among siblings was established to maximize the chocolate yield. Being the only boy, Lincoln is both the biggest receiver and giver each year. Troubled by the thought that he may be getting more than his sisters, an idea strikes him in aisle 9.Originally published 2/14/2018 on Fanfiction.net





	1. Chapter 1

#  **CHAPTER I**

##  **Guys who wait until the last minute to get gifts are doomed to be forever alone.**

####  _Saturday, February 13th, Royal Woods, Michigan, 11:48 AM_

A boy with white hair stands in front of a seasonal display in his local supermarket.  He is staring at the shelves with his left hand on his chin, elbow supported by his right, a furrowed brow and pursed lips, moving his eyes from one side to the other every so often.  One would think, seeing the deep-seated pensiveness on his face, that this boy was weighing judgment on a verdict of enough difficulty to test the limits of King Solomon’s intellect. The gravity of the scene dissipating once one remembers that this mask of complex thought is being worn by an eleven-year-old, staring holes into a sparse pink and red display of chocolates.

A trivial matter to most, but of obvious importance to the lad as he mulled over the pros and cons of two packages of assorted treats. On his left, a row of large one-hundred-piece, red tinfoil wrapped, heart-shaped boxes of mixed chocolates blocked the view of the fluorescent lights from their perch on the top shelf.  To his right, on the third shelf from the bottom, sat the last surviving ten-piece pack of luxury brand assorted truffles, each sample within having decadent names such as blueberry almond tart, crème brûlée, strawberry mousse, and other exquisite confectionery flavors that stimulated the boy’s own saliva glands.

“It’s Valentine’s day again, and like any Holiday at the Loud House, or any home for that matter, we like to celebrate it in our own way.  Most people reserve this Holiday for romantic interests, special friends, or, in my age group, with schoolmates. You probably have that right?  The annual school candy card box popularity poll, or card exchange as the teachers call it. Last year I got three cards! Subtracting Clyde, that means two of them were from girls!  My popularity is definitely on the way up.”

The boy gives a dashing buck-toothed grin to his metaphysical audience.  Everything from his chipped front tooth, his freckled cheeks, his cowlicked hair, to his genuine attempt at being suave all added delightfully to the adorkable nature of his visage.  The naiveté and innocence of what he was saying obvious to everyone but himself. Let’s remind ourselves that those cards he received from females went through a rigorous cootie decontamination before he accepted them.

But, to be fair, he is eleven now, and he has seen enough romance on television and in his comic book worlds to know this was going to be important to navigate in life.  Plus, the idea of holding hands with the girls in class, most starting puberty, did give him a nice feeling in his chest that he wished to understand more about. And kissing, oh boy, that could either make him grin or gag depending on the present company, and was easily what he considered to be the ultimate relationship act.  So, of course, his notion of blossoming into a fifth grade Casanova can only be thought of as cute.

“But unlike other families, I have ten siblings, all sisters.  All unashamed, self-admitted, chocoholic young girls from daycare to senior year.  So, naturally, to maximize their chocolate hoard every year, we have the tradition of getting Valentine’s for each other.  Other families might do this too, but the scale is clearly different with a big family like mine. This is where the pros and cons of being the only boy among ten girls come into play.

Big con, I’m responsible as the male to show appreciation to all ten of my sisters with a tribute of crushed and melted cocoa and butter.  The sisters, however, are only obligated to give them to their roommates. Oh, and we all have the same budget. Unfair? Clearly, but there is a pro.  Being the only boy, I get chocolate from all ten of my sisters; a veritable mountain of candy bags and sampler boxes that, to this day, I’m never able to finish.  It’s funny, why do they give me so much each year when they know I’m just gonna give most of it ba-”

His face at this moment changed from the normal smile to a dry deadpan ‘Oh…’ sort of look as realization struck him.  Shrugging it off with a ‘Meh’ he continued.

“Well let’s just say I get my fill and I’m satisfied.  What bothers me every year though is, are they? I get ten gifts while they get two or three at most, so I’m always worried whether they are fine with the chocolates I can get them with my limited capital of five dollars per sister.  Which brings me to the same conundrum every year. Quantity or Quality. That is the eternal question for a large family whenever making a purchasing decision; do you want a lot of something cheap, but not very good? Or do you want something a bit pricey but better than average?  Honestly, it’s a tough call.”

“On the one hand, I do think all my sisters would want this expensive chocolate, _Waldorff’s_.  Lori has told the name to Bobby countless times over the phone, and Luna is constantly using it in her Love songs.  And Lola has been acting obnoxiously sweet, trying to butter me up to get a box just for her. Fat chance of that happening though; it’s thirty-nine ninety-nine for a box of just ten pieces!  With the way they talk about them, maybe they’d be happy even getting one, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s not enough to show how much I appreciate them.”

“Now, on the other hand, there’s that big heart box, the one I’ve seen plenty of times in Leni’s rom-coms.  For the same price, I can give each of my sisters ten (factory) hand-crafted chocolates each! But, I think we all know that more than half of that box will be filled with those gross fruit chews and creams that everyone hates.  Even with the wide range of personalities my sisters have, nobody likes that cream nougat gunk that makes your throat all scratchy. Nobody.” The last word said more monotonously than Lucy could have done. “But there’s the chance that it might be good enough, and could be mostly nuts and caramel, right?  Please?” His eyes pleading to Saint Valentine while looking at the shiny red behemoth, wishing his statement to be true. The box did not respond, and the boy’s head slumped in a sigh.

Lincoln reached into his jeans, rummaging for assistance to his plight.  “Well, I’ve already spent twenty minutes thinking about this, and I still can’t decide.  I think it’s time for the opinion of an impartial third party. Fate.” He said while pulling a clean quarter out of his front pocket.  “Okay George, I’m leaving it up to you. Heads my sisters get fleeting brilliance, tails they get long lasting averageness. If they don’t talk to me after tomorrow, I’m blaming you.”

Lincoln primed the coin for a flick on his right thumb and shot it into the air with a satisfying ping.  ‘Nice.’ He thought to himself as he reached his hand out to catch the descending metal, only to have that moment of competence nullified by his natural clumsiness as he knocked the coin out of the air.  The coin landed on its edge and rolled down the aisle to Lincoln’s right, and to his dismay. “Hey! Get back here, George! You can’t get out of this any more than I can!” Lincoln scolded the minted founding Father as he gave chase.

The quarter made it to the end of the aisle before finally toppling on its side, heads up, at the end display.  Lincoln picked the coin off the floor, ignoring the answer it had given him, continuing his one-sided conversation with the inanimate first president took greater precedence for some reason.  “Geez, is this how a president should treat accountability?” The irony of Lincoln abdicating his responsibility to the flattened disc of copper-nickel and zinc just moments earlier completely lost on the boy.  “Unless you can give me any other ideas on what to get my sisters, could you please-“ Lincoln stopped himself after noticing the promotional display his money led him to.

Rows of bags containing raw chocolate lined the shelf, accompanied by various tools, molds, and decorations.  Every flavor was there; milk, dark, and white chocolate chips ready to be melted and formed into whatever shape desired.  Dipping forks and squeeze bottles of chocolate for decorating were on racks hanging off the display, enticing shoppers with impulse buys.  Several molds were on sale, depicting hearts, flowers, and squares waiting to be filled.

An image started to form in Lincoln’s mind.  A giant furnace was blazing with red-hot embers, one of many in a factory crowded with pipes, chains, and conveyor belts.  Ashes rode plumes of black smoke as the air trembled and warped from the heat. A man tipped over a cauldron hanging by a crane, letting molten brown gold slide from the lip into a casting, fire and sparks dancing as the purified cocoa settled into the mold.  I crane slowly descended, a block of caramel pierced by the trident like attachment, inching closer and closer to a vat of oil black liquid; 99% cacao, something they said couldn’t be done.

It submerged and steam wafted into the ether and disappeared, while the chain retreated from its boiling hell, bringing its prize with it.  Conveyor belts lined with men and hoses applied zig-zags of bright white stripes to the top of finished forgings. The foundry was the color of Hell, black as night and red as blood.  Ironic, as many of whom that enjoyed its products could swear they were gifts from Heaven. It was alive with the breath of creation, fueled by the energy of man. One such man in his thirties, with white hair and gaunt cheeks, stood on the scaffolding, overseeing his life’s work.  The creases of his smile filled with soot, his eyes hidden by blast goggles, he thought of how this all began. “All thanks to George Washington.” he mused. Lincoln Loud had an idea.

“That’s it!  If I can’t find the right chocolates for my sisters, why don’t I make them myself?”  With his mind going a mile a minute, the boy got out his cell phone to search for recipes and punch some numbers.  “If I use some ingredients from home, I have just enough to make candy for everyone.” The lad held his new best friend in reverence.  “Thanks, George! This is a great idea.” The minted man would have given Lincoln a smile and a wink if he could.

Lincoln wasted no time in grabbing a hand basket and loading it with all the DIY goods he could afford with fifty dollars.  After a heartfelt goodbye with his silver compatriot, a sacrifice to the dreaded demon, sales tax. “I’m so sorry I have to lose you to what you fought against.  I’ll never forget you, and your courage.” Lincoln said with a salute, a single tear escaping his left eye, the cashier solemnly returning with his own salute before bagging his items.  With a heavy heart, Lincoln spurred his bike on the path to his family home.

####  _Saturday, February 13th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Royal Woods, Michigan, 12:09 PM_

The squeak of a screen door broke any sense of stealth the over-imaginative boy tried to maintain as he surreptitiously made his way to the kitchen from the back door.  One can imagine it’s difficult to go unnoticed when your tactical wear consists of a bright orange shirt and snow-white hair. It’s hard to pretend you’re a spy or a ninja making a break-in when you look like an anthropomorphized traffic cone.  Luckily for Lincoln, the kitchen was empty now, so he could at least get the space set up for his confectionery endeavor before the dinner rush. With thirteen people in one house, Lincoln knew that there was no chance he could keep the plan of making homemade chocolates secret, but he could at least take measures to keep the end results under wraps for tomorrow.  He wanted to maintain some element of surprise after all.

Lincoln set up a barrier of keep out and do not cross signs the family kept around for quarantine situations, blocking the entrances to the kitchen.  He then laid out all his ingredients on the countertop and started searching for the needed pots and pans and other assorted utensils. He also rummaged through the refrigerator and cabinets looking for the necessary items to make the fillings for his creations.  He came up short on some but managed to improvise based on his knowledge of his sisters’ tastes with other things. The kitchen was set, and as he started to boil water on the stove, a moment he was hoping to avoid for a little while longer manifested itself. One of the many sisters was trying to make her way to the fridge before being stopped by the makeshift roadblocks.

“Hey, what gives?”  Said a short, blonde child with silky smooth hair wearing a pink gown.  Lola saw her older brother and, putting on a slightly sweeter façade, tried to get his attention.  “Oh, Lincoln! What are you working on in there? And why do you need police tape?” Lincoln responded with a placating “It’s a secret for tomorrow Lola.  I want to surprise everyone with it, so I need you guys to stay out until I’m done, okay?” Lola’s eyebrow arched at the mention of ‘secret’, making her unable to hold herself back from peering inside.  Which was easy since Lincoln’s stopgap did not provide any real visual resistance. Or physical resistance for that matter. The barrier was more like a suggestion than an actual obstacle. Lola saw the bags of chocolate circles and the mixing bowls and was easily able to put the evidence together.  She was not getting any _Waldorff’s_ from her brother.

Knowing that the prospect of brand name nuggets of pure designer chocolatey goodness was off the table, Lola easily tossed aside the mask of cuteness she had been using for the past two weeks.  Gone was her sugar-coated, high-pitched manner of speaking, replaced by the lower toned voice that was a cross between bored noblewoman and sarcastic teenager. “Ugh. Are you going to **_make_ ** the chocolate this year?  Why didn’t you just get us a big box like you do every year?  Seems like a waste of time to me.” Lincoln was setting the steel mixing bowls on the hot water.  “Well, I couldn’t find anything good enough, so I went with this instead.” Lola’s thoughts hung on ‘good enough’ for a moment before remembering what she came downstairs for.  “Whatever. I’ll start lowering my expectations later, but if you don’t want me to tear down this cheap barricade, get me an all-natural peanut butter and concord grape jelly sandwich.  Toasted honey wheat, no crusts, triangle cut. Chop-chop.” The diva ordered with punctuating claps.

Lincoln rolled his eyes with a slight smile, “Right away, your highness.”  He knew getting things for his sisters was going to be the necessary tradeoff for annexing the kitchen.  In a few minutes, Lincoln had his princess’s order plated and ready to go when he thought of adding just a touch of his melted chocolate as a plate decoration.  He’d seen it before on TV and thought Lola would appreciate his attempt at making her meal haute cuisine. “Bon appétit, Madame.” He said in a French accent as he handed the dish off.  Lola chuckled as she took her food “Merci.” Her eyes lit up a little at the pleasant addition her brother made to her snack and she let loose a delighted gasp. “Oh! Oh, my. Thank you, Lincoln.  You know, sometimes you do have really good ideas. Good luck with your project.” Lola said as she sashayed back to her room in a better mood.

Shortly after Lola’s departure, another sibling made her way to the kitchen.  Slipping under the tape due to both her short stature and general disregard for arbitrary limits, the family genius strolled to the fridge, unfettered.  “Greetings, sibling.” Lincoln yelped as soon as he heard Lisa’s droll voice behind him and scrambled to hide his project with his body. “Don’t mind me, just procuring nourishment to continue my research.  I have no interest in whatever scheme you are figuratively, and literally, cooking up here.” Lincoln sighed in relief and went back to his work.

“Afternoon Lis.  Watcha working on this week?”  The bespectacled girl perked up at the chance to talk about her work.  “Oh, just some experiments on extreme temperature changes in organic materials.  So far I’ve found several ways of preserving edibles using chemicals that produce high heat or below freezing effects.”  Lisa explained while digging for her synthetic drink hidden in the back of the fridge, her usually clinical voice showing subtle hints of giddiness over the opportunity to gush about her interests.  “That sounds really cool, Lisa. Are you able to eat any of your experiments after they’re done?” Taking a slurp of her vitamin shake, Lisa gives her brother a deadpan look, closing the fridge door.  “I wouldn’t be down here ingesting this if my results were palatable, so no. But, I should have a breakthrough any moment now.”

Lincoln chuckled at his sister’s optimism knowing that it was completely founded.  He was confident she would have one of her ‘Eureka!’ moments any day now. All she needed was some inspiration to go with her perspiration from her long hours of hypothesis testing.  Inspiration must be in surplus today for Lincoln, as his mind latched onto a few keywords from Lisa’s summary. ‘Extreme temperature; chemicals; Freezing.’ Again, an image took shape in Lincoln’s brain.

A team of men with sleds being pulled by antlered beasts of burden had reached the summit of a snow peak.  One of many lining the horizon, all different colors from white, to brown, pink, green, and even orange. The men unloaded their tools, various drills and saws, and installed them on the mountainside.  After hours of grueling labor, they excavated their quarry, a huge cube of the range’s opaque ice was loaded onto the waiting toboggans. Securing his prize with rope, the leader of the expedition removed his face mask, revealing a month’s worth of facial hair, white as the tundra the explorers risked their lives to cross.  The man took his survival knife and chipped a corner off the frozen block, bringing the white flake to his chapped lips. ‘The purest vanilla you won’t find anywhere else. And it’s mine.’ The man thought as he swallowed the iced treat.

Lincoln snapped back to reality, just in time to catch his intellectual sibling leaving.  “Hey, Lisa. Do you have any spare Liquid Nitrogen I could borrow?” Lisa almost choked on her drink as she spun her head back at the question.  Her brow arched as she was impressed by how Lincoln could deduce what chemical she was using for her experiments, and simultaneously puzzled by what he could need it for.  “I do, brother. But what, pray tell, could you possibly do with it?” Hoping to goad him into revealing his plans, unfortunately, she was shot down when Lincoln simply replied with a smile, “It’s a surprise for tomorrow.”  Foiled but nonetheless intrigued, Lisa makes her way to the makeshift lab to lend a spare tank to her brother. “This I’ve gotta see.”

A few hours passed and Lincoln had managed to finish four of his sisters’ gifts for tomorrow.  He was getting some new filling prepared when the front door opened, signaling the arrival of more of his siblings.  Naturally, some made their way to the kitchen to grab an evening meal, only to be stopped by the telltale signs of Midwestern road construction; A bunch of road closed signs and tape with no thru lane and only one guy working.

“Hey, what’s with the signs?  They’re blocking all the scenery and breaking my mind!”  The lyrical sister, Luna, said in mild annoyance. The jokester sister, Luan, not far behind noticed her brother tending the stove.  “What’s cookin’, funny-lookin’?” She chirped. “It’s a surprise.” Lincoln said not taking his eyes away for a moment. “If you need something, I can get it for you, but right now the kitchen is off limits.”  Luna didn’t like her freedom of movement being limited, but seeing how serious Lincoln was made her relax and just roll with it. “Whatev’s, I guess. As long as you’re cooking, can you reheat some of Dad’s leftovers?  I’m starved after my jam session.” The rocker rubbed her stomach to emphasize her hunger pains. “Coming right up!”

Lincoln went to the fridge to get some of his Dad’s Spanish-Szechuan lettuce wrap filling from last night.  “That’s a lot of sweets you got there; who’s the lucky _sweet_ you’ve got your eye on?”  Luan prodded in jest. “They’re for more than one girl, but-“  Lincoln slapped his hand over his mouth and cringed at his Freudian slip.  “No way! Lincoln’s trying to be a lady-killer! This is hilarious!” Luna exclaimed through laughter.  “Yeah, and the weapon of choice is _death by chocolate_!”  Luan delivered the punchline to her sister’s setup.

Lincoln opened his mouth ready to tell the truth, but an idea on how to salvage this mess of his own making came to him.  “Ok, you got me. I’m trying to impress a lot of lovely ladies this year. Now please don’t meddle like you always do, and let me get back to my creations in peace.”  He said while handing the girls their dinner and shooing them with his hands. “Ok, ok, we’ll get out of your hair, Don Juan.” Said Luna, as she gave a patronizing hair tussle while leaving.  “Don’t worry Lincoln, I’m sure those girls will go _cacao-ver_ you.  Ha! Get it?”

The rest of the evening passed with no more interruptions as Lincoln put the finishing touches on his creations.  The Loud sisters were gathering in the living room for movie night, the theme being romance in the spirit of the season and the overwhelming presence of estrogen.  “Lincoln, we’re about to start the movie. Are you joining us?” The eldest daughter called out in the direction of the dining room. “Almost finished, but go ahead and start without me.”  The middle child’s voice reverberated back.

“Hey, when you’re done in there, can you bring some snacks?  Lana and I won’t be able to handle this without junk food.” The sporty sibling bellowed back.  “You got it.” Said Lincoln as he finished tying the last bag of Valentines for tomorrow. The boy took another look at his work and felt satisfied with the results.  ‘I can’t wait to see what they think!’ He thought as he stored the goods in his hidden spot in the vegetable drawer, beneath the rutabaga, hoping Dad wouldn’t come across them in his midnight fridge raids.

Lincoln retrieved the potato chips from the pantry before cleaning up so he wouldn’t forget them on his way out, and risk a cobra twist from Lynn.  While scrubbing the molds and utensils, he pondered what he would do with the leftover melted chocolate remaining from his little project. It seemed like a waste to throw it out, or perhaps a sin in this household.  ‘But there’s barely enough for a snack-’ The muses were really fawning over Lincoln today. Apparently, buck teeth and freckles really drive them wild. This makes, what, five? Yep, five flashes of inspiration hit the kid in half a day.  It’s a new record.

“Ugh!  This movie’s soOOo boOoring!  When’s the car chase?” Bemoaned the tomboyish half of the family twins.  “Shush! It’s getting to the good part, and there are no car chases.” Chided Lori.  “It’d be a truly great film if this romance ends in tragedy. I’m betting terminal illness.”  Spoke a pale, black-haired child in monotone. “I meet your deadly disease, and raise industrial accident.”  Called Lisa. “Double or nothing on skydiving malfunction! ‘Cause _falling_ in love comes with a lot of risks.  Get it?” Luan giggled out, before receiving another shush from Lori and the baby imitating her older sister.

“Like, how long has Lincoln been in the kitchen anyway?”  Innocently asked the blond beauty in a green dress. “Well, I saw him get started at around lunchtime.”  Lola answered. “Wait, what? Lincoln’s been making chocolates for over 8 hours! The little dude’s serious.”  Luna said, impressed by her brother’s perseverance. “Those girls better _choc-a-lot_ of points up on his potential boyfriend card when they get them.”  Luan let loose another pun informing the other girls of the false pretense of what Lincoln had been up to.  The idea of their brother giving out Valentines to multiple girls caused a collection of feminine giggles and ‘oohs’ to fill the sitting area.

“He’s making homemade chocolates?  That is literally the sweetest thing.”  Lori squealed, having found something more entertaining than the current film.  “I gotta hand it to him, that’s pretty smooth.” Lynn said with a hint of pride in her brother’s ambition.  “Showing his love through suffering the harsh trials of creation. That’s what every girl wants.” Lucy stated, using her romance novels as reference.  “Oh my gosh, this is totes adorbs! What do you think the first date will be like? When’s the wedding? Will I have to wear purple as a bridesmaid? I hope not ‘cause, ew, purple doesn’t work with indoor ceremonies!  They totally need to go with pink or red, especially if it’s in an old brick church with stained glass. And-“ Leni prattled on while Lily, the baby giggled at the happy energy in the room. Lola refrained from revealing the truth about the recipients of the hand-crafted sweets, out of respect for Lincoln and out of anticipation seeing the looks on her sisters’ faces.  She sat there, listening to them gush with a knowing smile on her face.

The cacophony of girl talk was interrupted by Lincoln strolling in with a covered tray in his hands.  “Hey, guys. What’d I miss?” After he set the tray on the table, the boy was instantly pulled into a vortex of hugs by the waist, showered with head rubs, arm punches, back pats, and other jovial forms of physical shows of approval and compliments.

“You’re starting to grow up, aren’tcha bro!”  “You can be too cute for your own good, you know that.”  “Your _bittersweet_ youth is just starting, buck-o.”  “I predict good things during your courtship years, brother.”  “So, who’s my new big sister?” “If you want some poetry with your chocolate, you can always ask me.”  “And like, the bride’s dress has to have a floral pattern. And-“ “Hey, did you remember the snacks?”

“Ok, ok!”  Said Lincoln as he managed to wrangle out of their grasp.  “Let’s not make this a big deal until after I give them out, alright?”  Lincoln sauntered to the covered snack tray amid the chorus of ‘fine’ and ‘sure Lincoln’ performed in b minor.  “Now, who wants snacks?” He announced as he lifted the lid off the tray. The girls’ eyes widened and they let out a shriek of delight at the sight.  On the snack tray was an assortment of potato chips, dipped in milk, dark, and white chocolate. It didn’t last five seconds before the cocoa addicts snatched their portions and began munching the savory treat between moans of pleasure.  Lincoln took his seat as absent-minded ‘thank you’s escaped his sisters’ full mouths and spent the rest of the night enjoying the company of his family.


	2. Chapter 2

#  **CHAPTER II**

##  **Chocolate is made of Women’s hopes and dreams.**

####  _Sunday, February 14_ _th_ _, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lincoln’s Room, 9:03 AM_

*Snrkt* “Huh, buh?”  A groggy boy opened his bleary eyes, blinded by the sun rays from his window.  With a groan, he managed to set his feet on the floor and fling himself to a standing position.  Scratching his side with a yawn and grabbing a toiletry set, the shuffling mass trekked to the opposite end of the hallway with the enthusiasm of a zombie.  Taking his place in line behind Lucy and Lynn, the boy passed the time regaining higher brain function while waiting for his turn at the porcelain throne.

“Good morning, Lincoln.”  Said the younger sibling, apparently conscient enough to form full sentences in the morning, despite her nocturnal habits.  The older girl contrasted the younger siblings by jogging in place, flaunting her early bird status. “G’mornin’…” Was all the sole male could gurgle.  Lincoln was more drained than usual due to the eight hours he clocked in intense focus the other day, like a chess player spending twice the normal calories for brain function through concentration.

“Hey, Lincoln.  Got any plans later?”  The athlete asked during some wall push-ups.  “Nothin’ big. Just- *Huah* Just chocolate and comics.”  Lincoln managed to answer between yawns. Lynn’s face broke out in a smirk.  “That’s right! Romeo’s got lots of little fillies to charm today.” “Remember to brood when you confess your undying love.  Girls love a man with a dark side they can’t share with anyone.” Lucy had the bookmarked page ready to support her theory if needed.

The bathroom door swung open, letting out steam as Lori walked out in her clothes, still drying her hair with a towel.  “Guys, don’t forget, we’re doing our chocolate exchange as soon as everyone’s done with their morning routine.” Lincoln was lucid enough to catch his sister’s message, lighting a small spark in his dulled mind.  ‘I hope they like them.’ Was the only thought he had while waiting his turn.

Lincoln shut the door and stripped out of his orange pajamas.  A quick twist of the knobs and the shower sprang to life as the boy pulled the curtains and got to work.  Squeezing two spurts of coconut shampoo from the family size bottle and working a lather, he scrubbed his snowy peak.  With suds blocking his vision, his muscle memory picked up the body wash and squirted a dollop on his chest. A complete rubdown cleaning his nooks and crannies later, he let the rainfall of the showerhead wash all the loosened grime off his young body, leaving a watery sheen on his skin.

Stepping out of the shower and rubbing the moisture out of his hair with a towel, he moved to the sink for the next step in his grooming session.  Lincoln rolled the towel over his shoulders and looked at his reflection. Standing on the footstool to get a better view of his four-foot-six frame, Lincoln combs his hair into a side part from right to left.  He smiled, pleased at the handsome result, until his cowlick decided to make its debut, turning his frown right side up.

Moving on from that, Lincoln looked at his body.  He didn’t know why, yet he had the urge to take stock of himself this morning.  He had a scrawny build with almost no fat, but no muscle definition either. His ribs framed a slim chest and a flat stomach, below a visible collarbone.  He traced his finger on his shoulders, making constellations with his freckles. He tried flexing his arms, there was a bicep in there somewhere he just had to find the right angle.

He twisted his hips to see his back and marveled at the odd way his shoulder blades moved.  An errant glance caught sight of his rear; small, rounded, and boyish. Not very manly though when compared to the chiseled butts of his illustrated heroes.  He peered down his front at his chicken legs. His calves were at least defined from all the running away from danger he does. The lack of body hair, aside from a lone soldier on his sternum, reminded Lincoln of how much of a kid he still was.  Compared to his silverback of a Grandpa anyway, the epitome of manliness in Lincoln’s opinion.

Normally he was very comfortable with his body and thought his looks were perfectly acceptable.  ‘Why am I thinking about this today?’ Insecurity was creeping into his mind. Various self-doubts like ‘Would other girls laugh if they saw me without clothes?’  ‘Would they be creeped out?’ ‘Will I ever have intimate moments with someone else in the first place?’ All questions that made no sense to a boy without much knowledge of sexuality and puberty.  The only answer was to sigh. He clapped his face with both hands to shock him out of his self-deprecation, got his clothes on, and put on another smile before walking out. He had more important things to do.

Lincoln trotted down the stairs to the scene of his sisters already digging into the gifts traded between roommates.  Chocolate for breakfast was another perk of this holiday for the Loud girls. The sisters noticed him and said a round of good mornings before Lori spoke up.  “Sorry we started without you, Lincoln. We kind of couldn’t hold back. But, we’ve all got gifts for you too, now that you’re here.” Lincoln was fine with it since this was a holiday for them more than him anyway.  “No problem, guys. In fact, I’d like to hand out your gifts first today. Be right back.” He said as he dashed into the kitchen.

Returning moments later with a wicker basket filled with clear cellophane bags of brown, black, and white jewels.  The female siblings, excluding Lola and Lisa, didn’t know what to make of this, their earlier assumptions contradicting with implications laid before them.  “Uh, Lincoln? Didn’t you make those for some girls at school?” Lynn asked hoping for confirmation of her original premise. The premise she used to tease her little brother with earlier.  The teasing that would come back to her if she was wrong.

“Nope, these are all for you.”  Smile beaming on his face. “Surprise!  Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!” Lincoln happily revealed.  The girls could only say their second ‘aww’ in twenty-four hours and give their only brother another group hug, nearly flooring the boy.  “Guys, one at a time. Let me hand them out first before you decide they’re any good.” The cramped child relayed this while keeping the basket of goods from being crushed.  Lincoln handed each of his sisters their bags from oldest to youngest, saying their names before they said their thanks, finishing with a boop on the nose for the baby, Lily, who gave what sounded like an ‘Anky’ in return.  Lincoln took it as thank you.

Lori untied the bow around her gift and pulled out a dark square with lines of brown drizzled on top.  She smiled at the thought of her kid brother being able to make something of this quality, it looked just like something she could buy at a farmer’s market or a candy shop.  ‘He’s really amazing when he applies himself.’ This was going through her mind as she sank her teeth into the dark chocolate rectangle. Her eyes widened at the change in texture and soft resistance, increasing her jaw pressure to cut through the confection.  Chewing slowly, savoring the flavor, checking her memory for the taste, watching past experiences in the movie theater of her mind’s eye.

The venue was showing “First Date”, a short romance starring two teens as they enjoy themselves at a Michigan Carnival on a summer night.  The pair were laughing as they spun the wheel of a Tilt-a-whirl, trying to make the other as dizzy as possible. The young man had his face scrunched in concentration, taking careful aim before throwing a baseball.  A pyramid of milk bottles collapsing elicited a giggling squeal from the girl as she clapped her hands, the boy flexing his golden arm for his audience while a carny bequeathed a stuffed cartoon bear as their reward.  The couple screamed in delight during a drop on a roller coaster, the girl clinging to his left arm.

They were sitting next to each other at a picnic table, talking and laughing while snacking on carnival food.  The boy showing off by performing trick shots with his popcorn, the girl enjoying the show and her candy. A moment of calm came as they were thinking about how great the night was.  The blonde girl in a blue tank top grabbed another brown cube peppered with opaque crystals and popped it into her mouth to suckle. The tall, dark, handsome young man in a plaid over-shirt glanced nervously toward her hand on the table, surreptitiously sliding his own towards it.  The errant appendage stopped when it felt eyes upon it. The seventeen-year-olds looked at each other.

“I… I was trying to get one of those!  They look really good.” Bobby covered his tracks while pointing at her bag.  Lori saw through it, a grin forming as her eyelids lowered, she had a naughty idea.  “Sure.” Bobby thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t blow it, barely noticing a feminine face suddenly blocking his view.  A firework went off near the Ferris wheel, silhouetting the new lovers. The girl returned to her original position, acting completely natural, while the boy was stock still with red on his face.  “Take it as a thank you for the wonderful night, _Boo Boo Bear_.”

She was holding up the soft plush he won for her and waving its little arm, revealing the source of his new pet name.  He stared for a moment, unable to hold back a wide smile. “Anytime, babe.” It wasn’t until he spoke that he noticed the presence of a foreign object in his cheek.  He prodded it with his tongue and turned redder, they both added to memory the flavor of their first kiss. ‘Sea salt caramel’.

‘The End’ projected on the imaginary silver screen.  The Lori in the center row drying the happy tears from her eyes with a pocket tissue.  She stood up and exited through the double doors on her left, returning to her family living room where time stopped.  “Oh. My. Gosh! Lincoln! This is literally my favorite! How did you know?” “I know what all my sisters like.” He replied with a smile.  Lori didn’t question it, she just wanted to keep revisiting her treasured memories with each chew of the salty sweet treat.

Leni was taking photos of the ivory orbs with her phone, wanting to preserve the treats in digital space for eternity.  The little balls not bothering to pose, but not resisting her precise arrangements. After the right filter application, and uploading for posterity (and likes), she gleefully popped one of the pearls in her mouth.  The sweet taste of white chocolate and coconut danced on her tongue, eliciting a giggling moan from the bubbly blonde. “These are soOo good! What’s your secret?”

“Effort mostly.  And maybe a little brotherly love.”  He said that last part a bit sheepishly.  It was still embarrassing to say even if it seemed like an appropriate response to the most feminine member of the family.  His reward was a spine straightening embrace from the beauty for his daring, along with more doting and head rubs from the others. Leni was absolutely thrilled to hear the word love come from her little brother’s mouth, especially on Valentine’s.  Leni liked hearing all the ‘I love you’s strewn about during this season. She followed the flight path of each one in the air with her eyes as they traveled from one schoolmate to the next. Seeing the blushes and smiles as they reached their destination warmed her enough to forget there was still some winter left outside.

But, even within the swirling nexus of hormones known as high school, not one of those flights came to her, leaving her a little sad each year.  She was pretty enough to attract attention, no question, it just came anonymously through notes and packages slipped into her locker and desk. The downside of being sixteen is most of the boys interested in you are more likely to be younger, and consequently less confident in their chances of success.  Leni appreciated it nonetheless, but was always hoping that one year someone would come to her in person and confess their feelings in a sincere gesture.  

Today, it finally came, the word love was directed at her and her sisters, and it came from the one boy who was never afraid to approach her.  She squeezed a little tighter while thinking about it and her nose pressed against the crown of her sibling. She breathed in a scent agitated by the earlier scalp scratches, activating her olfactory senses and making her mouth water.  The smell causing her tongue to reminisce about the taste it experienced just moments before. Her body must have thought it was holding a large version of the white spheres, as her mouth parted slightly, wanting another taste, only to gently kiss a platinum down covered cranium lightly.

“Leni?  Could you let me down now?  My back’s starting to hurt.”  The voice of a young boy kick-starting the stalled engine, restarting the release mechanism.  “Oh! Sorry, Lincoln.” He rubbed away the soreness in his lower back. “It’s fine, Leni. I always like your hugs.”  He gave a reassuring nod as he turned to the other siblings to get their reactions. Leni picked up another white chocolate and held it out between her thumb and forefinger, comparing the color to the back of her brother’s head.  She smiled as she found another reason that made these the best chocolates ever.

“Blimey!”  Luna's English accent kicking in at the sight of the contents of her bag.  Broken shards of mahogany and sepia jutted every which way. Each piece embedded with slivered and crushed bits of brown and white.  Certain edges lined up with each other, showing traces of the mosaic tile it once was before being smashed to pieces. The Rebel’s soul within her lighting up at the thought of the destructive act.

“English toffee!  This is blinding!”  Luna didn’t hold back when she sank her teeth into the jagged sugar glass, snapping it with a tug of her hand.  Humming a satisfied tune while crunching the sweet bark between her molars, her pitch and smile rising whenever she bit into a large piece of almond.  “Glad you like it, Luna.” Lincoln remarked, taking his sister’s good vibrations as a sign of approval. “I don’t just like it, I love it, bro. You’re a top-notch bloke.”  She said while ruffling his hair in appreciation of his appeal to her Anglophilia. Lincoln pondered if all this head pawing was responsible for his unruly turkey tail as he adjusted his hair.

Despite having done a few gigs around town, Luna didn’t have anyone she could refer to as a superfan, or even regular fans.  Kinda tough to get a following at fifteen. Open mics and bar mitzvahs aren’t exactly fast tracks to Rock & Roll stardom. But, it didn’t matter because at home were twelve of the best groupies, coaches, critics, and bandmates the Rockstar could ask for.  The support of her family was truly indispensable to Luna, the career choice of musician notorious for not being easily achieved. Having a big family as a support network would improve the odds.

Out of the whole unit though, Luna noticed one that stuck out a little more than the rest.  The one that she went to for first impressions of new songs first before anyone else. The one that helped move her gear more often than the others.  The one that requested songs as the backdrop of his life. Luna had already given the title of number one fan away to the most deserving candidate long ago.  The grin getting wider thinking of how her Valentine was from her biggest supporter. The grin disappearing when she realized what she did yesterday. When her number one was putting in effort on something of his own, her first instinct was to double over and laugh.  ‘Uh oh…’ A hard swallow ending her melody.

Luan took a moment to admire the molding of her circular desserts.  Ridges around the circumference surrounded a dent in the center filled by a cute button of white.  It was like a miniature version of their Aunt’s green gelatin at Thanksgiving, which she admired as one of life’s naturally occurring jokes, along with fruitcake.  Nobody ate it, yet it was there every year, prompting curious prods and shakes from young children, who became captivated by the hypnotic jiggles in return. The adults would look at it and have the urge to reminisce about and share funny stories about past holidays and childhood, laughing with nostalgia over their tales of mischief.  The dessert was a prop that brought families together for a laugh through a comedy with no name or genre. Luan liked these oddities showing that even everyday things have a sense of humor.

She chuckled.  “They really  _broke the mold_ when they made you, Lincoln.”  She took a bite, taking care not to touch the sweet with her braces, and pressed the morsel against the roof of her mouth with her tongue, enjoying the taste as the chocolate softened and the filling spread.  Luan had to do a double-take after inspecting the half-eaten piece in her hand. The filling was a familiar yellow color, bright but not artificial. A heavy cream was present at the top layer, while a flaky pastry lined the bottom.  Luan got the joke.

“Banana Cream Pie!  That’s the funniest of pies!”  Voted funniest pie in 1973 by the Loony Appraisal of Fun Federation, or LAFF for short.  It narrowly beat out coconut and Boston cream due to its versatility in scenes with chimpanzees.  Luan had to laugh, a bright, sunny laugh the color of her skirt. A laugh she’s experienced many times in her fourteen years of life.  A single thought painting the radiant smile on her face. ‘He gets it!’

Lynn was holding the bag and looked like she was caught doing it too.  The compliments and slight ribbing she dished out coming back to bite her after the reveal, taking her attention away from the sack of gold in her hand.  ‘I egged on my brother to romance my sisters.’ She groaned in embarrassment at the misunderstanding, and in slight irritation at her little bro’s insistence on surprises.  Lincoln stepped over to Lynn wanting to see her reaction. He couldn’t hold back a smug look while asking, “So, how am I doing in the charm department right now?” Crooking his eyebrow in triumph.  Lynn could only roll her eyes and scoff, relieved at Lincoln’s initiation of their competitive banter.

“It doesn’t count as charming when it’s your sisters, dork.”  Her own smirk punctuating the statement. “How come you aren’t giving chocolate to other girls this year?”  Said in a lightly mocking tone, to goad the younger sibling. “I could say the same about you. Expecting chocolate from anyone other than me and Lucy?”  Lincoln said casually, comfortable with his comeback. Lynn couldn’t come up with a response, she was beaten after two rounds and cursed herself internally.  ‘Already losing your edge at thirteen? Come on, Loud!’ “Fair enough. But don’t get cocky until after your chocolate has gotten my thumbs up.” She said taking a piece out of her bag, only to pause at the sight.

It was normal milk chocolate, decorated with drips of black and white overlapping each other in a crisscross pattern.  What wasn’t normal was the patch of green. A bright stem stood proudly from the top before being swallowed by the brown, and from it, the shape tapered its way down a curved length ending in a rounded point, like a finger.  Lynn bit all the way to the stem and ripped it away, taking the two-inch pepper in one bite. Grinding the veggie between her teeth, trying to extract all the succulent juices and crush the seeds so they could release their essence.  The bitterness of the Jalapeño flesh complimented the sweetness of the chocolate perfectly, highlighting their best aspects, with the heat stimulating her taste buds beyond their limits, enriching the flavor. After an audible swallow, Lynn opened her eyes and saw her brother.  In a single heartbeat, she had him in a one-armed headlock, applying a power noogie mussing up his hair for the third time that day. The roughhousing ended shortly, but the headlock remained and morphed into a side hug. “You’re a goofball most of the time, but you definitely have your moments, bro.”  She let him loose to fix himself again, a grin adorning both their faces.

Lucy had one question while she was looking at her bag of black bats; where do you find bat molds in February?  The answer was the attic, along with all the other Halloween paraphernalia stored away until October. She picked out one of the dark chocolate rodents by its wing and held it in front of her, gazing at it from behind her thick bangs.

_"Chocolate, my favorite treat._  
Your flavor bittersweet.  
A holiday devoted solely to you,  
could be called a dream come true.  
But what I cannot comprehend,  
is how my brother could not have a lady friend.  
Why would he spend all that time,  
to make me a Valentine?"

“Sigh.”  Spoken aloud to punctuate her limerick.  Feeling better after venting her feelings, she resumed organizing her thoughts.  Of course, Lucy was happy to get homemade chocolates from her big brother, but she was feeling a bit guilty.  Romance has been one of Lucy’s biggest interests, combined with Victorian era Gothicism, the supernatural and occult, and, of course, ponies…  She’s eight. Looking at her hobbies, despite trying very hard to promote the appearance of being dark, the common thread linking all her interests is pretty noticeable.

Old Turn of the century novels about women committing infidelity because they’re in love; young adult books with dreary monsters moaning about how their love can never be; short stories where rainbow colored foals save the day the with love and friendship; are you sensing a theme here?  Yes, Lucy is a girl in love with love, or the idea of love, and enjoys whenever she can witness it in any form. Which is why she was ecstatic, even if she didn’t show it, when it looked like her brother was about to begin courting other girls. The opportunity to teach the ways of wooing fair ladies to the one boy who needed it most excited her.

Yet, here she was, holding a delicious confection surely suited more for another girl.  Why? ‘Is it because of us? Because of me?’ A hamster wheel running off the rails in her brain.  ‘Do I cling to him too much? Am I stealing his attention and time from other girls? Does he ever think I’m too needy?’  The negative spiral draining her glucose reserves, her hand unconsciously drew closer to her mouth. ‘Will he always be around when I need him?  Will I be able to rely on another boy the way I do with him? Will I still cling to him like a little girl when I’m an old woman with ten ca-‘ Her runaway train hit resistance when her teeth felt a lack of it.  What was assumed to be solid turned out to be hollow, and filled with a sweet, tart sensation.

As her lips parted from the masticated mammal, taking its flesh behind her fangs, a string of glossy red ichor connected them for a moment before snapping, the ends landing on her chin and the back of her thumb.  She wiped the sticky fluid past her bottom lip into her mouth with her index finger. Corn syrup, molasses, red dye No.5, she knew this recipe, but there was something else added. She looked closer at the pit of gore in the bat's stomach, amidst the dark red syrupy jam where bits of pulp, preserved in her faux-blood like mangled organs.  the dark chocolate and black cherry held a ceremony in her mouth, sealing their vows with a kiss of sour, sweet, and bitter sensations. The lovers absconded to her stomach to consummate their union in a warm embrace.

_"A chocolate made just for me,_  
with all its spooky glory.  
Not surprising that he,  
could make it so cute and gory.  
My thoughts earlier so pitiful,  
all doubt settled with this."

“Because even if you try to be invisible,”  Lucy jumped and gasped at the surprise contribution, thinking no one was listening.  “I’ll always notice my little sis.” He paused. “… Most of the time.” A caveat to acknowledge the mini heart palpitations caused by his lack of perception in the past.  Lucy’s lips curled upward ever so slightly, before giving him a short, light hug. “Thanks for the Valentine, Lincoln.” She said sincerely. “Anytime Luce.” Giving her his own smile.

Lana was ready to tear into her confectionary present right when she saw it, the contents looking like one of her favorite snacks, just with chocolate added.  “Cool! Dog food! Thanks, Lincoln!” She ripped open the top with her canines and gulped down a mouthful of kibbles before Lincoln could interject. She chewed with her mouth open before noticing a lack of riboflavin in her meal.  Unfortunately, the snack was not a chocolate version of Charles’s dry mix, but Chex mix. “Lana, that’s not dog food; it’s Puppy Chow.”

AKA: Reindeer Chow, Muddy Buddies, and Monkey Munch.  A treat made of cereal, chocolate, peanut butter, and powdered sugar that delights young children all over.  Lana was not an exception, as this was her favorite dessert. Any food that made a mess was destined to bring a smile to her face, accentuated by the white dust around her mouth.  Every pseudonym described Lana to a tee. Whether it was her love of animals and pets, her affinity for wallowing and frolicking in all kinds of muck and sludge, or her desire to trap one of Santa’s magical steeds, every trait of the munchies screamed ‘Lana Loud’.  Said six-year-old girl face planted into her brother’s stomach for a hug, letting out a muffled “Thanks Lincoln!” into his shirt before parting, leaving behind a white death shroud in the boy’s polo. He brushed it off without complaint, knowing his little sister’s messiness was inseparable from herself.

    Lola was expecting to be more amused by the presentation from her normally awkward brother, but another feeling gradually eclipsed her thoughts as clear displays of satisfaction beamed from each of their faces.  Lola didn’t want to admit it, but she was growing more impressed by the amount of effort and personality Lincoln put into each of his gifts. She knew her brother could make eggs ten different ways from Sunday, but frying an egg, making a sandwich, or reheating food was surely yards away from chocolate making in terms of skill, right?  Yet, again, when the jack of all trades put his mind to something, it exceeded the quality hardly anyone would think an eleven-year-old boy was capable of.

Lola chuckled over remembering how much of a pageant Mom he turned into one week; how he completely threw himself into the role of princess maker, remembering every expert quote and building every training routine to make her unbeatable.  Him going that far back then made sense to her though, there were DairyLand tickets at stake. What did he gain this time? Not much from her, that’s for sure. She only bought him a one-dollar four-piece sampler of _Waldorff’s_ cheaper competitor this year; _Lichtenstein’s_.  Even with her high-class tastes, chocolate is chocolate.  His offerings were good enough every other year, why start going all out now?  ‘Good enough’, there was that phrase again. However, in stark contradiction to these thoughts, Lola was always prepared with a much less pleasant backup should Lincoln ever cheap out on her.  There was a chocolate laxative with his name on it, hidden away for any needed disciplinary action. ‘Every prince needs to be trained to be a king.’ was her motto.

“You know Lincoln, I have to admit you’re doing pretty well so far.”  The crinkle of the plastic wrap punctuating her remarks. “But my standards are a bit higher compared to these lowbrow girls.  Don’t worry though, I’ll gladly accept these in recognition of your hard wo-” A high pitched, gasping inhale, followed by the ear piercing scream of a valley girl getting a car for her sweet sixteen dispelled the prickly act of patronizing thanks.  Lola picked out a red jewel and rotated it, watching the sparkles shimmer in the natural light coming through the family room windows. “Is this edible glitter!” She exclaimed in the direction of her brother, still smiling while soothing the ringing in his ears.  “You bet! I thought that might get you excited.” Giving a glance to the eldest sister who imparted this knowledge upon him.

There were multiple gems of pink, red, and white representing Lola’s three favorite precious stones.  The ruby piece held in her hand was stolen by her mouth like a phantom thief. Her teeth split the colored rock like a geode, a thick paste escaping from the hollow center and slowly melting from the heat.  The flavor of hazelnut hit Lola, adding another layer of regality to the confections. To the little queen, the word ‘Truffle’ was the highest grade associated with chocolates, beating out the illustrious Bonbon even with its association with actresses and socialites.  ‘Chocolate is for girls, Truffles are for princesses’ another of her mottos. Lola sprinted to hug Lincoln’s side, a girly squeal and three ‘thank you’s with no spaces shooting rapid fire from her lips. Gone was the haughty aristocrat from half a minute ago, replaced by a six-year-old girl gushing over candy.  Lincoln could only laugh and say, “You’re very welcome, sunshine." Before patting her head.

Lisa was thankful for the break from her experiments to refuel her glucose reserves with her greatest vice, melted Theobroma Cacao and Cocos Nucifera Oil mixed with lactose, Vanilla Planifolia extract, and sucrose; Street Name: Milk Chocolate.  Yes, even the logical, intelligent, practical scientist was a card-carrying member of chocoholics anonymous. Being four years old may also be a contributing factor to her addiction, though one tends to forget this whenever conversing with the little biochemist and experiencing her esoteric vocabulary first hand.

Accompanying her pragmatic nature, Lisa lived her life cutting off emotional thinking from her cognitive functions as much and as often as possible to see things objectively.  However, unless she was willing to remove part of her amygdala, this was easier said than done. Despite how much she might wish otherwise, Lisa was still human, and still capable of having feelings.  Her thoughts of Valentine’s Day were quote, “I personally don’t see the point in centering a holiday around the mating rituals of Homo Sapiens caused by biochemical hormones meant to induce pair bonding for the better reproductive success of the species.  But, different strokes for different folks, I suppose.” She says while picking up a pack of cards for school and a bag of candy for her brother every single year. Lisa may have a genius level IQ, but her poker face was kindergarten grade at best. Even if she didn’t pursue romance, she wouldn’t pass it up if it passed by her radar, the incidents with her brother and his former bully, and with the anonymous love letters being examples.

Back to the matter at hand, however; Lisa opened her gift and took out one of the chocolatey rectangles inside.  ‘Fairly simple dipped chocolates. Possibly a caramel or nougat. Nothing that stands out, other than the cold temperature.  He must have stored these in the crisper drawer instead of the fresh.’ Analyzing the confections for abnormalities and deeming them harmless, Lisa took a bite.  A blast of cold air and a refreshing scent escaped the cracked carapace, chilling her core and making her mouth water. The green ice melted into a cream as she chewed, adding in the soft crunches of cold shale to create the perfect mix of flavors.

Lisa didn’t know what to expect when she lent her brother her Liquid Nitrogen the other day, but homemade ice cream wasn’t it.  ‘He couldn’t just buy mint chip at the store, could he.’ She chuckled as this was one of her favorite, if misguided, traits about her brother; his ability to take a simple task and turn it into a complex mission rivaling international espionage.  He’ll simplify as he gets older for sure. But, for now, Lisa enjoyed seeing his highly detailed, childish adventures… so long as they don’t interfere with her research at least.  

“So, when did you learn how to use chemistry ingredients in frozen dairy creation?”  Lisa asked her sole male sibling. “Well, it just came to me when you mentioned your experiments yesterday.  I remembered seeing ice cream made that way and after looking it up, there it was. I used the ice cube tray to make those by the way.”  Lincoln explained. “I’ve been trying to flash freeze all sorts of things and they either become solid as a rock or shatter to pieces. What did you do differently?”  Lisa incredulously inquired. Lincoln had to think for a bit. “Um… I don’t know. I used a lot of tinfoil. Does that help?” Lisa pondered for a moment, her mind constructing an image to illustrate her theory.

A wall of capsule doors lined a cold storage facility.  Two men in full medical gear had just loaded a gurney and were proceeding to the medical examination room.  After transferring the covered object to the operating table, the sheet was removed to reveal a mass of crinkled silver metal.  One man took a pair of sterilized surgical scissors from the instrument tray and began to cut the protective wrapping. Slowly, carefully, the layers were peeled away.  The visage of a young girl with a mop of brown hair and glasses, wearing a black full-body unitard, was revealed. The second man gave her an injection, slowly bringing the lass out of her cryogenic stasis.  The examiners tested her reflexes and once she was deemed suitably cognizant began to speak.

“Lisa Loud?  Your intelligence is needed, for we have made contact with extraterrestrial life forms and you are to be assigned as a representative of earth on the intergalactic space Council.”  Lisa was snapped out of her daydream by what sounded like the bathroom door opening. She turned her head up the stairs just in time to see a wet naked man run to her room, shouting in Greek.  It all clicked. “ _Eureka!_ ”  She shouted before giving her brother a hug and chasing after the apparition to test her new hypothesis.  Lincoln yelled after her, “Glad I could help!”

At last, we come to Lily, the youngest member of the Loud household, sitting on the couch with her little bag waiting for access to her prizes.  Lincoln walked over and sat down next to her. “Let me help with those, Lily.” Eliciting a giggle as he picked the baby up and set her in his lap.  He untied the ribbon around the package and let Lily reach in to grab the little milk chocolate hearts by herself. Being an infant, Lily did not have a defined personality yet, unless you can call ‘being a baby’ a distinguishing characteristic.  Simple bite sized chocolate hearts would have to do since they were least likely to be a choking hazard. Lily certainly didn’t mind as she gladly sank in her one tooth. Love would have to do as the secret filling, and if her pleased coos were anything to go by, it was exactly what she wanted.

“So, what do you think?  Any good?” Lincoln asked rhetorically.  Lily may not be old enough to know the exact ins and outs of how the world works, but she was oddly perceptive for a fifteen-month-old.  She could grasp that Valentine’s Day was a day where you gave chocolates to people you love, and she always knew to give some to Lisa and Lincoln.  She also knew that the chocolates Lincoln gave her this year were unique and that he spent a lot of time on them. She reached her hands out towards Lincoln, giving him the signal she wants upsies.  He obliged, and was treated to a kiss is his reward making both laugh and leaving a pair of chocolatey lips printed on his cheek. “Guess they were good, then?” Lincoln jokingly responded with a small tickle.

The sound effect of a camera shutter followed by the collective gushing of eight girls, overdosing on cuteness, the adorable scene immortalized forever on Lori’s social media feed.  Lincoln got off the couch with Lily, wiping the smooch off his face, and handed her off to Leni. “Okay, okay. So, what did you guys think?” The million-dollar question.

“These are so awesome!”  “I love them, Lincoln!” “You did alright this year.”  “These are the first fruit-filled chocolates I’ve ever liked.”  “They totally rock dude!” “I can _heart-ly_ restrain myself from these!”  “These are fit for a queen!” “Anky!”  “Oh, Lincoln! This was so sweet of you.”  Lori pulled her little brother into another hug.  “You really didn’t have to do this. But thanks. We all love them, right girls?”  The other sisters formed a huddle around the two with a simultaneous, “Right!” and a big squeeze.

“Thanks, guys.  I wanted to show how much I appreciate you this year, and I’m glad I got the message across.”  “Message received, bro.” Chimed Lynn. In a moment of synchronicity, all the girls got a devilish grin as they imitated their youngest sibling and proceeded to pepper the lad with exaggerated light pecks, making the most obnoxious kissy sounds.  “Augh! Come on, stop!” Cried the boy as he squirmed and flailed the giggling swarm off his person, wiping his head between ‘Blech’s, never able to wipe away the constant grin beneath the bluster off his face. “I’d rather have chocolate instead of that, thank you very much!”  The good mood making him chuckle. The laughter in the room petered out.

The mood began to die down at his remark.  The gaps in laughs becoming wider, morphing into coughs and ums.  The girls beginning to fidget and show signs of nervousness; arm scratching, kicking feet, bit lower lips, all looking for reassurance in each other’s faces.  “Guys?” Lincoln queried. “-Uh. Yes! Chocolates!” Lori was the first to resuscitate. “We have Valentines for you too, of course! Just like every year!” She said a bit over enthused.  “Just like every… year…”  Her voice trailing to a whisper, finding another implication in her phrasing.  “Um… great! I’ll just take them off your hands and then-“ Lincoln was cut off by the sound of his parent’s bedroom door opening, Mom’s perfume wafting out.

Rita and Lynn Sr. stepped out in their casual best, the type of clothes you wear for a special occasion that spans a few locations and a lot of time.  The Father wearing a white leisure suit with rolled up sleeves, with a pink button up shirt patterned with vertical pinstripes underneath the jacket, and white loafers, completing the atrocity.  The Mother in white flats and cream dress pants with a sleeveless pink blouse, wrapped in a white shawl.

It should come as no surprise, but yes, the Loud couple had a date planned on the most romantic day of the year.  An all-day date to be exact, filled with events like bowling, dancing, karaoke, dinner, walks in the park, the package deal.  No, really, it was a package deal. A local event planner was holding a special for groups of eight. The tour started at Gutterballs in half an hour.

“Alright kids, we’re heading out.  Lori, you’re in charge.” The Patriarch announced as they made their way to the coat rack.  “Now, I know we’ve never left you alone for this long before. So, I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”  Lynn Sr. emphasized by pointing his prayer positioned hands toward the group. “But, I’m guessing most of you have plans, so it’s not like you’ll be here all day.  Just remember to get home before seven.” He looked to his wife to see if she had anything to add.

“And Just because we’ll be out late tonight doesn’t mean you can stay up past your bedtime.  I expect everyone to be asleep by eleven o’clock sharp. It’s still a school night.” The Matriarch reminded in her sweet but commanding voice.  “Oh, wait! Perfect timing.” Lincoln paused their escape as he rushed back to the fridge. He bounced back with two more bags of candy, handing them to his parents.  “I wanted you guys to have these for your V-Day celebration.”

The bags were filled with a mixture of all the different chocolates made for the family daughters.  Lynn Sr. got a mix of chocolate made for Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, and Lisa while Rita’s was filled with ones given to Lori, Leni, Lucy, Lola, and Lily.  Lincoln didn’t have enough time or knowledge of his parent’s interest to make personalized treats as he did for his sisters. Instead, he relied on Lisa’s talks about personality and genetics and made gifts based on the girls they resembled the most, hoping for the best.

“Wow!  Thanks, Son!  These look great.  Is that English toffee?”  The boy’s Dad said, genuinely impressed with the presentation.  “Oh, these are so thoughtful, Sweetie. Thank you!” Momma Loud praised while pinching Lincoln’s cheek.  The girls could only give worried looks to each other, making faces that seemed to say, ‘Oh man, he thought of that too!?’  Lynn Sr. caught a glance at his wristwatch while tugging at the package bow.

“Uh oh.  Better wrap it up, Dear.  We don’t want to miss out on putting our power couple name on the scorecard.”  He reminded, scrambling to get his coat on. “Honey, I just don’t think ‘Ritalynn’ is an appropriate combination.”  The wife mentioned on the way out the door. “Come on, it’ll be fine. No one uses that stuff anymore.” Rita could only respond with one of her patented ‘If you say so’ hurms.

“Bye, kids!  Remember to keep the doors locked, and don’t call about anything below ‘the house is on fire’.”  The Dad reminded. “What about if one of us gets hurt?” Leni asked. “Sweetie, that’s above house fire; the house is replaceable, you guys aren’t.”  That earned him an ‘aww’ of his own. “Love you, have fun!” *kerchunk* And with that, the parents had officially left the building, as the sound of a car engine and tires signaled their departure.

The girls waved goodbye absentmindedly to the closed front door, still thinking about the raised expectations brought about by their brother’s increasingly heavy gifts.  Lincoln could feel the tension in the room, filling him with anxiety. He was not concerned about getting chocolate in return. He honestly forgot about it until Lori mentioned them when he first walked down that morning, and it immediately slipped his mind again while watching his sister’s reactions.  No, something else was filling him with dread.

“So…”  A prolonged syllable to end the silence.  “I, uh… I went a little overboard this year, huh?”  He said apprehensively, trying to gauge their reactions.  A gaggle of placating ‘no’s and ‘of course not’s tried to assure him that wasn’t true.  Their denial was confirmation for him. “You did nothing wrong, Lincoln.” Luan spoke up.  ‘Oh no.’ Lincoln knew when they were hiding something. “We were just surprised is all.” Said Luna.  “So surprised that… we forgot that we left your chocolates in our rooms!” Lori said unconvincingly. ‘No, no, no no no.’  He recognized the tells and ticks in their faces. “Wait, weren’t they behind the cou-“ Lori’s hand cut off Leni’s question rudely.  “We’ll just go get them and call you when they’re ready. BRB!” Said through a much too wide grin on Lori’s face, almost like a grimace.  ‘This is escalating out of control.’ The boy had to set things straight. The girls all ran up the stairs to their bedrooms before Lincoln could tell them not to bother, he was left alone at the bottom steps with his hand on the banister.

‘My plan backfired.’  His thoughts were tinged with guilt.  After the dust had settled, and the results were laid bare, Lincoln concluded that his overactive child’s imagination had gotten the best of him again.  Instead of making things even, he wound up raising the bar. The feelings of disparity he had yesterday were not resolved, he just transferred them to his sisters.  In turn, he got a taste of their perspective, realizing that just like him now, the girls would have been happy to receive anything from him. The third of an hour spent yesterday mulling over the differences in candy quality was a wasted effort.

“I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t think about what they wanted.”  Lincoln addressed the audience. “And because of that, now they feel pressured to do something big for me.”  He walked up the stairs and rubbed his right shoulder on the wall corner while turning toward his room. “Not only that, but I probably weirded them out too.  What girl would want homemade chocolate from their brother on a romantic holiday?” Apparently, the endless spiral of negativity he was tumbling down drove the beaming smiles and shows of gratitude they gave him from his memory.  Head hanging with a sigh, he closed his bedroom door and slumped onto his bed, limbs splayed out in resignation. “Guess I’ll just think about how to apologize to them while I wait.” He stared at the ceiling and wondered how he could fix the mess he made this week.


	3. Chapter 3

#  **CHAPTER III**

##  **Lingerie is to Women what Mobile Suits are to Newtypes.**

####  _Sunday, February 14th, Gutterballs bowling alley, 10:10 AM_

The sound of rolling boulders speeding down fairways and crashing into humanoid obelisks could be heard intermittently among the backdrop of squeaky shoes and 80's pop rock. The neon alleys were pockmarked by circles of white light dancing in tune with the beat of the speakers. Red, pink, and white streamers dangled from the ceiling, obscuring the minimalist murals of tenpin strikes lining the walls. Outside the sunken area of the lanes, recreational tables and lounge seats were privy to better lighting. It is here we find a booth filled with eight people; four couples of ascending ages.

On the right hand inside pocket sat the Loud parents, Lynn Sr. tapping his right finger on the table and rotating his head around the venue trying to catch sight of whoever could possibly be their host. They had luckily made it in time for the event, yet the organizer had not. Rita checked the underside of her left wrist again, 'Twelve minutes late.' She noted mentally after getting a new reading from her white and gold analog watch.

"So…" Lynn finally broke the silence. "I don't think I caught anyone's names yet. Should we start the introductions since we have time?" He asked as if there was anything else they could do. "Why don't I start? I'm Lynn Loud, and this is my wife, Rita." "Hi, nice to meet you." Greeted said wife. "And we've been married for, gosh, almost twenty years now?" The middle-aged man smiled to his wife for confirmation. "Eighteen, sweetie." She happily corrected while wrapping his left arm over her shoulder. "That's right, eighteen wonderful years." The husband said to his wife, snuggling closer, getting in the Valentine's Day mood and losing themselves in their own little world.

A cough from the seat opposite theirs reminded them they weren't alone, emanating from a man giving a 'Hi, we're here too' wave. An East Asian couple that looked to be in their early thirties smiled awkwardly at the two, feeling conflicted about interrupting their moment. Even though they started the conversation and immediately left (mentally) after five seconds.

"Hi, uh, I'm Jon. Jon Saotome." Jon wore a white T-shirt with a black sport jacket and blue jeans, a pair of 'Obverse All Pros' accentuated the casual look. His fluffy black hair was parted 7:3 with his bangs sweeping left to right over his glasses, his clean-shaven face framed by sideburns. "And I'm Beth. We've been together for three years." She said putting her right hand over Jon's left on the table. Beth wore a black cardigan over a tasteful white low-cut T-shirt, enclosing a silver pendant necklace, matching her husband's look with slightly darker skinny jeans and black flats. Her long, straight, raven hair and bangs complemented her frameless glasses.

"Um, I guess we should add more to this. Uh, we're Website Designers." Jon remarked, unsure if he was breaching protocol. "Jon does the programming and site design, I make the graphics and artwork. We work our business from home." Beth followed up. "Wow! You guys are entrepreneurs too, huh? I just started my own restaurant; I'm a Chef!" Lynn Sr. proudly proclaimed. "And I'm a Dental Assistant, but I'm also an aspiring Novelist. My first work is just about to be published!" Rita gushed. The younger couple just smiled and nodded.

They looked to the next couple sitting beside the Saotome's. "Hi~ I'm Eliza Pasconelli. And this is my Boyfriend, Taylor. Taylor, put your phone down." The young Italian woman said sweetly and in one fluid sentence, not changing her tone even when scolding her beau. Taylor looked up with a 'Hm?' followed by an 'Oh!' as he quickly put his smartphone in his pocket and sat up to shake the six other's hands. "Hey, Taylor Christianson. Advertising and marketing. How you doing?" Everyone gave a polite 'Pleasure.' and 'Nice to meet you.' in return as he made the rounds. The handsome black man wore a very stylish shiny blue silk shirt tucked into black slacks with a leather belt matching his black dress shoes. He sported a silver college ring from Michigan State on his right hand and a tiny diamond earring in his left ear. An impeccable chinstrap beard accentuated his jawline, meeting with a tidy, uniform crew cut.

"I work as a Hairdresser, by the way." It certainly showed with her stylized beehive hairdo. It wasn't a high one, as much of her hair was free to wash down her left shoulder in a sort of ponytail, her bangs fashioned to look like an ocean wave going left to right. A red tube top was clearly chosen to showcase her ample bosom, while the denim jacket kept her arms from getting cold in the chilly weather. Black leggings made her legs and thighs seem longer and slimmer than they were. The black, full calf platform boots trying to enhance her height and buttocks. "We've been dating for a year now, and we saw this and thought, 'Why not?' you know?"

'Why?' seems like the better question, to be honest. Royal Woods isn't exactly a thriving entertainment community; the most exciting place in town is The Warbler, the only karaoke bar in the state of Michigan that has all their songs available in Esperanto. The two were young enough, urban enough, and professional enough to spend the day at trendy restaurants and venues in the city, why go all the way out to the suburbs? Lynn decided to just let it go and focus on the last couple sitting next to his wife.

The elderly pair looked like they could be in their late eighties, possibly nineties. The lady's energy was bursting at the seams, eager to get in on the conversation. She was certainly spritely despite her thin appearance; her floral-patterned dress fit like it was on a hanger. Her teal open-toed pumps matched the hue of her white curls, the standard issue hairstyle of a blue-haired biddy. Costume jewelry jangled with each of her animated gestures; she must have had three bracelets on each hand and two necklaces, at least.

"Hello~! It's so nice to meet everyone! I'm Matilda, and this is my husband, Mortimer." She presented the skeleton thin man on her left with the mannerisms of a kitchen showcase model, both hands trying their best to say 'Tah-dah!'. Mortimer was slouching into his seat, oblivious to the world around him. He was dressed in his Sunday best, wearing a five-piece suit; brown coat and trousers, beige waistcoat, yellow button up shirt, and a red bowtie. His wingtip shoes were polished to a shine, although the dingy grey of his walker dimmed the effect a bit. A burnt umber, felt, pork pie hat was perched on top of his thin, curly, grey hair. On his nose sat the largest prescription of eyeglasses anyone at the table had seen. They looked like the bottoms of glass soda bottles set in a black frame; they were thicker than Lisa's!

The old matron prodded her husband to get his attention, "Morty? Don't just sit there say hello!" Morty was jolted out of his stupor. "Huh? What's that? We're out of yellow?" Matilda spoke a little louder, "No, Morty. Say hello!" "Ya' want stuffed Portobello?" "SAY HELLO!" She shouted right in his hearing aid. Morty didn't even wince, he just put his hands up and scolded, "Don't shout!" swatting down at nothing between words, clearly a routine he's done hundreds, if not thousands of times before with his wife. "I ain't deaf! Stop interrupting me while I'm trying to say hello here." He straightened up a little to address the table.

"Mortimer Williams, call me 'Morty' if you want. Former shoe brush salesman for sixty years. I must have traveled enough around the Tri-state area to go to the Moon and back six times." "We've been married for sixty-five years now!" Matilda said gleefully. "We haven't gone out in so long though, so this tour was perfect since it had a little bit of everything." "That's because the last time we went out, Mattie, you got your foot crushed by a fondue cart and I had an allergic reaction to an expired pierogi. It's no wonder we haven't been anywhere in five years; it's better to just stay home!" "Oh, Morty." Matilda rubbed his shoulder soothingly, knowing his complaints came from a place of concern. The two had known each other for a lifetime and had their communication dynamic down to a T.

"What else? Oh, we have four kids and six grandkids. They're already all grown up! We're even going to be great grandparents soon!" The rest of the table gave scattered congratulations on the news. "We, uh, also have a son at home with the sitter. David, he's two." Jon added with a small amount of pride. "Ugh, kids. No thanks. We've got more fun things to do, really." Eliza disparaged. "Oh, don't say that! You'll want some little ones too, eventually." Matilda was quick to wave off the young woman's negativity. "What about you two? You look like you have a few of your own." She directed at the Loud couple. Lynn couldn't help but chuckle, "Well, you could say that." A knowing glance at his wife. "We've got eleven wonderful children." Rita proclaimed.

Taylor did a spit take with his cherry soda, while Eliza's jaw dropped, her expression changed from shock to amused awe with an open-mouthed smile at the ridiculous statement. Jon's glasses somehow slipped down his nose, he readjusted them with his middle finger, the reflection of the lights obscuring his eyes from view. Beth brushed a stray bang from her eyes while silently mouthing the word 'Wow'. Matilda couldn't keep her joy contained, even with her hands over her mouth the squeal was still loud enough to hear over the crashing of pins and Morty's guffaw.

"Eleven~! Morty, did you hear that?" "I heard, I heard." He replied, implying it was nothing special. "Oh my goodness, you just don't see that anymore. Not since I was a little girl." "I'm the youngest of a litter of thirteen, so I got you beat there." "Tell me you have pictures!" Lynn raised his wallet, "I think we've got some." He flicked it open letting the Cascaded photo holder waterfall down to the floor. Rita opted for the smartphone approach, unlocking and going straight to the gallery app. Matilda followed suit, digging into her purse for her tablet and photo book.

The older couples got to work, swapping pictures, trading stories of child rearing mishaps, laughing at the especially messy and chaotic tales. "And then, Lana dropped a mud ball into Lisa's atom smasher, which exploded all over the living room! Everything had dirt fused to it at the subatomic level!" Rita let out a hearty laugh, along with Mattie. "Oh! Oh, that reminds me when our little Matthew ran a herd of neighborhood dogs through the house! He was riding a bloodhound pretending he was Crazy Horse! There are still paw prints in the kitchen tile." Another round of mirthful cackling erupted from the two matrons.

Lynn unfolded a nine by twelve portrait of the whole family for Mortimer's bad eyesight. "Who's the kid in the jersey?" "That's Lynn Jr., our little athlete." "Quite the strapping lad you got there." "She's a girl, actually." "Oh." Again, bad eyesight. "Who's the old man in the orange, your Father or the wife's?" Rita was the one to answer this time. "That's our son, Lincoln, though he did get his hair from my Dad."

The younger side of the table stared into the abyss of their future, coming to terms with what they would eventually turn into over the course of their lives. A red-headed woman with a perm made her presence known. Wearing a red coat jacket and white knee-length skirt, sprinting as fast as her black heels would allow her, ascot fluttering with each step. She arrived at the group's booth out of breath and scrambling to fix any flaws in her appearance. After a quick rubdown of the wrinkles in her clothes, she took a deep breath and put on a toothy smile, her white teeth contrasting with her ruby red lips, and in a professional guide voice, began her apology.

"Whew, I am so sorry everyone. Traffic was just killer!" Mugging her face into an exaggerated squeamish 'eugh' did not have the placating effect she hoped for. "Yeah, I can imagine Royal Woods has enough traffic on a Sunday morning to make someone…" Rita glanced at her wrist, "Forty minutes late." The perfect mixture of irritation and acrimony in her voice displayed how much of a bad impression the lady's tardiness left on Rita; she was not going to like this woman. "Well, you know, I caught the church rush." "Church doesn't get out until eleven." Rita was quick to point out in the most unamused, flat tone possible.

"Ok! So, welcome everyone to the South Michigan event planner agency's 'Valentine 'Venture'!" The guide forced the conversation in a new direction, unable to handle the blond woman's lie detection. Eleven kids will give you the supernatural ability to see through all forms of obfuscation. "I'm Sherri, with an 'i', and I'll be the one to make sure that all of you have the most fun, and romantic, Valentine's day ever!" " _It's always a Sherri, isn't it?_ " Rita whispered to her husband. "I'm guessing you've already gotten introductions out of the way, so who's ready to get this day of dates started?" Sherri put in extra cheer to get her clients fired up, it only managed to garner some begrudging replies in the tone of 'better late than never' as the guests stood up to get their rental shoes. "That's the spirit! Remember, we're only booked for one more hour, and there are no refunds." " _Of course there aren't._ " Rita muttered as she walked by.

* * *

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lori's Room, 10:02 AM_

Lori sighed while looking at a box in her hands. The white and gold square didn't provide any answers no matter how much she thought about the facts. It arrived yesterday via candygram, accompanied by flowers, balloons, and a singing courier. Most of those weren't enjoyed, however, as Lori instantly ripped the package out of the delivery man's hands, just as he finished blowing his pitch pipe, and ran to her room screaming in joy. It was exactly what she wanted, her own box of _Waldorff's_ , straight from her Bobby Boo Boo Bear, and it was a thirty-piecer! That Saturday morning was spent in absolute decadence as she ravaged morsel after morsel, restraining herself just before she could seriously be at risk for diabetes, though a part of her thought it would be worth it. Nonetheless, she wanted to enjoy them the entire weekend. Now, however, there was a problem pertaining to these very chocolates so troubling that Lori wasn't even bothered having them in full view of Leni and Lily, who were mulling over their own thoughts while lackadaisically playing on Leni's bed.

She had to check again, opening the box to find the last nine pieces that she managed to keep herself from consuming. Delayed gratification was not a trait common to Lori and her peers. Taking a random ball of the coveted confections, she used all of her self-control to slowly savor the taste, getting as accurate an estimate as possible. Her toes curled, her spine tingled, her shoulders shook as a shuddering moan of pure pleasure escaped her throat. They were just as good as she remembered them. She almost instinctively grabbed another before wrenching her arm back and taking one of Lincoln's, she's trying to test something, not gorge herself. A bite into the caramel square brought out the uncontrollable giggles again, as she remembered that time when she and Bobby sang those duets at that weird Esperanto karaoke place. A smile returned to her face as she swallowed, only to slowly fade as the confirmation didn't bring her any closer to an answer.

Between the _Waldorff's_ and Lincoln's chocolates, the _Waldorff's_ were objectively better tasting. Lincoln's aren't bad by any means, but it would be a stretch to say the first time creations of an eleven-year-old boy are on par with a one-hundred-year-old candy company. And yet she couldn't explain it, she almost seemed to prefer Lincoln's chocolates. Was it because they were handmade? Did Lincoln actually put in more effort? how much time did each of them spend on her? 'Okay Lori, think. A box of thirty costs seventy-nine ninety-nine, and Bobby works at his grandpa's bodega, tax-free, for minimum wage. Which means it would take ten hours of work for him to afford the _Waldorff's_ alone. It was probably another four to six hours for the shipping, that's two day's wages!' In her mind, Bobby went above and beyond in showing his devotion to her.

'What about Lincoln? he spent eight hours making chocolates for ten girls, that's not a lot, right? I mean, what's the actual time? Sixty minutes times eight… just remove a zero to divide by ten girls and you get about… forty-eight minutes per-sister. That's not so much when you compare them.' She wasn't downplaying the effort, she just needed to get an accurate comparison. 'And as far as cost, he only spent five bucks on each of us, which is perfectly reasonable for a boy his age.' Clearly, Bobby spent more time, spent more money, and got the better tasting gift so the answer should be obvious.

And yet, for the life of her, she couldn't figure out why; why do Lincoln's chocolates make her _feel_ better. She knew part of the answer, Lincoln's did what Bobby's didn't, they made her think about Bobby. 'Lincoln knew I would be lonely without seeing Bobby in person, so he made something to remind me of him. And Bobby worked extra hard in order to get me the perfect gift by today. They're both so alike; they're sweet, goofy, cute, reliable when you need them to be, good cuddlers… wait, what?'

Her thoughts were interrupted by a rhythmic knocking on the door. "Come in." Lori granted after shaking away her confusion. Luna walked in carrying her old wood guitar, followed shortly by Luan and her wooden friend, Mr. Coconuts. Luna reclined on Lori's bed. "Um, everything okay? You don't usually bring out the acoustic unless you're really worried about something." Lori asked in a concerned tone. "Just feelin' the moody blues, dude." She replied morosely as she tuned the strings.

Luan took a seat next to Leni and Lily, not as much pep in her step as usual, her mood seemed to even be affecting Mr. Coconuts. "I tell ya' toots, if that rain cloud over your head gets any bigger, I'm gonna start growing moss!" The puppet remarked. "Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Coconuts, it's just that my brainstorm isn't amounting to anything more than a brain drizzle." Luan lamented to her pal. Lola and Lana came in unannounced, followed by Lynn juggling a soccer ball, something she only did in the house if she was trying to think on a hard question. Everyone had the same look about them, a sort of somber, neutral expression that said they were feeling conflicted about something.

"Wait, are Lucy and Lisa coming?" Lori asked, scanning the room. "I'm right here." Spoke the pale girl from behind, scaring the daylights out of her big sister. She was sitting next to Luna on her bed. "Right, okay." Lori regained her composure. "Well, judging by the cheerful looks on everyone's faces, I guess we're all thinking the same thing. Does anyone want to talk about what we're going to do?" None of the girls looked like they had any ideas they were comfortable sharing, or any ideas at all, really. The only sound in the room came from a few plucks on Luna's instrument and the steady bounce of a soccer ball against Lynn's head. "Ugh!" Until she missed it that is.

"This is so frustrating!" Lynn growled to the whole room. "Look, I know the bar's been set a little high, but that's no reason to get this upset over chocolates." Lori scolded the Sportster. "It's not the chocolates!" Snapped Lynn, she started reining herself back in, realizing she was too wound up and sighed before continuing. "It's Lincoln. I mean, it's about Lincoln. I can't get him out of my head!" She scratched her noggin rapidly. "Well, yeah. That's why we're here; we're trying to think up a better last minute gift for Lincoln. It would be weird if you weren't thinking about him." Lola remarked with a tinge of annoyance, thinking Lynn wasn't giving helpful insight.

"What's weird is a good looking boy spending his entire Saturday making personalized Valentines for his sisters! Doesn't he have a crush or something?" Lynn stated back at the room, causing a few girls to stare quizzically at the short brunette. "Uh, did you just call Lincoln good looking?" Lana inquired. "What? No. I didn't say 'good looking'. Who said anything about Lincoln being good looking other than you?" Lynn retorted. "But you just said-" "Guys! Focus!" Lori put a stop to the recursive argument.

"It doesn't matter how good looking Lincoln is!" A few cocked eyebrows met the Freudian slip. Apparently, the question of _if_ Lincoln is good looking already settled for a few girls at least. "But, Lynn makes a good point; does anyone know why he handmade his chocolates this year?" Lori asked the room. "He said something about them not being… _good enough_." Lola put a slight invective on the last two words. She really didn't like that phrase for some reason today.

"Where the heck did he get that idea?" Luan asked. "I don't know, we've never complained before, have we?" None of them could think of a single instance where they voiced displeasure with Lincoln's gifts, but at the same time, they couldn't think of an example where they showed a lot of gratitude either. Every year the siblings just exchanged their chocolates, said thank you, and went about their day engorging themselves with sweets. There was never a strong sentiment put into Valentine's before, and everyone was fine with that. Now, however, the presents brought new problems for each of the girls they weren't even able to identify, much less deal with. One thing was certain, this is way more than just guilt over gifts, and they needed to eliminate every possibility to figure out what was wrong with them.

"Maybe this was practice, and he wanted to test his skills on us first before giving them to another girl?" Lucy proposed. "Nah, he went out of his way to keep the fact they were for us a secret, even letting us think they were for other girls. If he wanted to practice, he would've asked for advice." Luna shot down the theory. "Is he trying to get something from us? Is this a bribe?" Lynn speculated. "It's the _sweetest_ bribe I've ever gotten. But seriously, I don't think so. I didn't get any ulterior motives from him, and I know how to read people." Luan judged from her experience as an entertainer.

As the Congress of young women continued to deliberate, one girl's mind started thinking about the events from a less innocent perspective. She thought about how more than one person here could use the opportunity to… 'enlighten' the siblings of their actions; she remembered her emergency laxative. It seemed impossible, but every possibility needed consideration. Lola spoke with hesitation. "Girls, I know this is a long shot, but… you don't suppose Lincoln… put something in his chocolates, do you?"

"That would be a negative" Said Lisa as she closed the bedroom door, interrupting any outburst that could've been caused by Lola's query. "I've already run tests and broken down all the components in my gifts and found no extra ingredients, or any substance, that would make these confections compromised." Stated with the professionalism of a college lecturer, which she moonlights as every other Wednesday. "Why would you even check that?" Lori asked. "Because I too have experienced some strange emotions regarding our sole male sibling. And they seem to be more than just appreciation for his inadvertent help in my experiments. Speaking of which, would anyone care for some thermite jerky?" The genius said while holding up some dried meat, which Lana snatched in a heartbeat.

"Ok, but that still doesn't tell us why Lincoln made them in the first place." Lori sighed, thinking they were going in circles. If only they could get to the root issue, then maybe things would start to make sense. Maybe the weird feelings would go away if they just said what was really on their minds. "Why are these Valentines making me feel so weird?" Lori rubbed her temples as she vocalized her frustration.

"Because he loves us." All the girls looked around the room, trying to find where the voice came from. It took two seconds before they settled on the form of Leni, who was hugging one of her pillows, no longer needing to keep Lily occupied as she was also focused on the discussion. Lori was stunned, unable to make the connection between the two statements, coming dangerously close to a disturbing revelation.

"Um, right! Of course, he does. We all love each other; we're family!" Lori chose the most innocuous interpretation of Leni's statement. "But Lincoln said he made them with lots of love, right?" "Brotherly love, Leni." "Oh, right." Leni lifted her chin from her pillow in order to touch it with her finger, looking very deep in thought. "How's that different from regular love again?" She asked innocently. The room was caught off guard by that remark. It seemed like it was self-evident, but they actually had to stop and think for a minute to find the right way to explain such an abstract concept.

"Leni, when you're romantically in love with someone…" Lori searched her word bank. "It means you want to be with them, all the time." Said in a tone similar to a grade school teacher. Leni didn't really accept that answer. "But I feel like that about all of us, a lot of the time, every day. That doesn't sound different." Looks like they'll need to go further. The older girls wanted to avoid being too explicit because of the presence of the younger kids, so they chose their words carefully.

"Oh, I know! It's like he can make you laugh just by being there, and everything he does is a performance just for you." "And his act is never _wooden_ , and nothing he does ever makes you _board_." Luan and Mr. Coconuts gave a duo answer in line with what they loved most, the stage. "Yeah, and you also want to hold them, touch them, and think of them when you're apart." Luna added.

"See, you don't feel that way about us, right?" Lori confirmed with Leni. "Well, no, not with you." "Exactly, that's the difference-" "But I feel that way about Lincoln." A stony silence fell over the room. "Could you elaborate?" Lisa queried. "No, but I guess I can, like, explain it better?" "That'll do."

Leni set her pillow on her lap and sheepishly pressed her fingers together, trying to find the best words to describe her feelings. "Ok, so like, you know how when you find the right pair of shoes to match your belt?" "Try again Leni, most of them are fashion illiterate." Lori reminded her airheaded counterpart. Leni huffed and decided to not think before she speaks, "I want to spend the entire day with Lincoln. Just the two of us." Lori thought they covered this. "That's not the same thi-" "And I want to see him smile… he looks best when he's smiling." The other girls nodded their heads unconsciously in agreement. "That's true, but what does that-" "And I want to hold his hand." A few fingers twitched around the room. "Well, he might be a little old for that-" "And I want to hug him, like suUuper tight, and hold him close and never let go." Lots of fidgeting occurred in the room after that. "Leni, that's a little-" "And… and…" The girl's excitement was reaching a peak with each escalation. "And I want to kiss him!" Leni shouted before muffling a squee with her pillow like the teenage girl she is.

"Leni! That's too much! You can't kiss your brother!" Lori reprimanded with flushed cheeks. The other girls' faces had tinges of pink as well. "Not even on the cheek?" Leni responded with the purity of a lamb. The oldest got a little redder, realizing Leni inadvertently made her seem like the one with impure intentions. "Just for clarification; did you have these feelings before today?" Lisa dug a little further. "Well… Before, I never got anything from a boy made with love just for me. So it's different now. I want to show him how his chocolate makes me feel. Doesn't everyone feel the same way?" The sisters nodded again, only this time Lori caught herself and quickly shook her head. She still wasn't convinced.

"That doesn't make sense Leni. If Lincoln putting love into his chocolates is what's making us so odd…" Lori reached for a box under her bed and set it on her nightstand. "Then how come **this** isn't making me feel anything?" She lifted the case, revealing a chocolate statuette of _The Winged Victory of Samothrace_ with the arms and head reconstructed in Lori's image, holding her cell phone aloft. A piece of wing showing visible teeth marks. "That's what Clyde made for me this year, and I taped his gift to him after he passed out without a problem." Lori nibbled on her right arm while relaying the details. "Guess you have to have the same feelings back for it to work?" Lana said, chewing a wing. "Yeah, but I just tried that with Bobby's chocolates, and they weren't doing it either." Lori popped her head into her mouth. "I suspect the combination of oxytocin, endorphins, and dopamine are the cause of our predicament." Lisa hypothesized with a piece of Lori's leg between her teeth. "Uhm, in English?" Lola complained, biting into an arm. "The good feeling hormones produced by chocolate and physical touch are affecting our brains." Lisa put into layman's terms. "Wait, so that's what this is? Because we didn't wait thirty minutes to hug Lincoln after eating? That's why we're acting like girls with crushes?" Lynn remarked with Lori's torso in her hand. "We don't have a crush on our brother!" Lori snapped, almost a little too quickly. Perhaps she was miffed that sweet Nike decided to vacate her spot on the end table, leaving brown smudges on many fingers. "I'm saying it's possible. But you're right, it is out there. If this was all it took, it should have manifested in previous years." Lisa finished her thesis.

"You know what, while we're on the subject of crushes, how come none of you are on dates?" Lori instinctively needed the distraction. "What happened with the love letters?" Almost all the girls shrugged. "Didn't really go anywhere. Winston's too much of a mama's boy for my tastes." Winston only mentioned his Mother once, and only because Lola asked who's cooking was better while on a picnic. Answering as politely as possible, Winston had to side with his Mom, to which Lola's response was to shout, "Well why don't you date her instead if she's miss perfect!" before shoving the bowl of macaroni salad over his head. Big mistake on Winston's part, honestly.

"Yeah, and Skippy wasn't really compatible with the babies." El Diablo's affectionate hugs turned his face the loveliest shade of violet. Being allergic to Hops was also kind of a deal breaker. "David's lack of understanding in String Theory regrettably made him an unsuitable candidate for courtship." Translation: David still didn't know how to tie his shoes. "I couldn't go out with Chaz for his own safety; I didn't want to become a murderer!" His exact words were, "I would die of happiness if I went on a date with you!" which Leni, of course, took literally. Lily babbled something in what could be described as an irritated tone. "Lily says Teddy and her have hit a bit of a rough patch, to put it kindly." Lisa translated. Teddy is in the doghouse at the moment. No really, Charles is letting him crash there while the ol' lady cools off.

"Benny had this really annoying habit of speaking in Shakespeare quotes. I mean, seriously? Who talks like that?" Everyone in the room narrowed their eyes in a hard stare at Luan, especially Mr. Coconuts. "…What?" One mass eye roll later and it was Lucy's turn. "Silas had a girl on the side. I don't go for players." Lucy discovered his picture of Griselda (autographed by Kate Kaktus no less) in his wallet by chance. Pining for another man's lover was a step too far for Lucy, especially when the man is her undead crush. Surely the word 'Hypocrisy' would've appeared in one of Lucy's novels before, right? "What happened to Rocky?" Lori asked. "Despite Rocky being the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, I still couldn't deny my attraction to older men. Preferably by a few centuries." Lori pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Luna, how are things with Sam?" "Hm? Oh, great! Yeah, we just jammed yesterday. Had a blast. We're hanging out again after school tomorrow." Lori waited for more details… And waited… And waite- "Anything else!?" "Whatcha' mean, luv?" Lori's eye twitched. "I mean have you done anything other than band practice? Going out to eat? To concerts? Have you even kiss-" "Woah dude! Little personal don't you think!?" "Fine! Then just tell me what speed your relationship is developing at." "Well, ya' know… we're going on a slow ride, taking it easy. Not doing anything risky or messing up where we're at." Lori's expression grew flatter at each new idiom for 'no progress' that came from her sister's mouth. "So you're just hanging out with your best friend is what you're telling me?" Luna rubbed her chin for a second and said with a shrug, "Pretty much."

Lori grumbled and put her head in her hands. She peeked one eye out at her last hope. "Lynn?" Everyone leaned in, anticipation growing on their faces. Lynn shook her head. "Francisco's a Cubs fan." An eruption of groans and grumbles along with thrown up hands echoed within the room.

"Oh, come on! This is literally impossible!" Lori's disbelief was matched only by her frustration. "Why are all of you like this?" "Hey, it's not like you have anything going on. You're in the same boat we are." Luna pointed out, which brought a spattering of 'yeah's in her favor. "Oh, please. Bobby and I have a lovely day of video calling planned." Lori said triumphantly. The others were less than impressed. "Yeah, no. Face it, the only people in this house with any love life are currently getting 7-10 splits across town." Luan retorted, causing a few shudders in the room at the thought of middle-aged romance. "Well excuse me for thinking eight pretty girls wouldn't have trouble finding something to do on the most romantic day of the year!" "Dah!" "Fine, nine. Sorry, Lily." "Actually, she was saying you forgot Lana." Luan interpreted. "Hah! In your face!" Lana mocked the baby for her backfired insult, who gave a nasty raspberry in return.

"Well, I guess I was mistaken because it's clear you girls lack any womanly charm." "What's that supposed to mean?" Lynn said as she flicked a nugget of gold, freshly excavated from her nasal cavern, off her pinky. "See? This is our problem! The bickering, the crudeness, the impossible expectations! No wonder we can't get dates. I mean, Leni and I have battle armor sitting in the closet, just waiting for the right opportunity, completely going to waste." Lori gestured to the walk-in at her right to emphasize her point. "Battle armor? Are we at war!? Is Hazeltucky attacking again!?" Leni was well into a duck and cover position, holding her pillow over her head, trembling. "I still have flashbacks about the cowpie catapults!" Thankfully, these were recently reclassified as chemical weapons and subsequently banned from all future conflicts.

"No! Leni, I'm talking about our 'Special Pajamas'." Lori said with finger quotes. "What are you guys talking about?" Lynn asked. "They're talking about lucky underwear, dude." Luna clarified. "Oh, yeah I have that. How come you haven't worn them yet? I wore mine for my hockey game last month." "Yeah, and you still haven't washed them." Lucy chastised her roommate for letting them sit in the same spot in their room for the past thirty days. "Lynn, this is underwear to _get lucky_ , not to be lucky." Luan tried to subtly clarify. "Wha? Oh, 'Night Game Gear'! I gotcha'. Yeah, I haven't had a match with that either." Lynn caught the general drift of the conversation, keeping the language coded for the sake of the younglings. "Why are you guys talking about Lingerie like that?" Lola proved it futile.

The older girls were taken aback by Lola's bluntness, and that a six-year-old knew what lingerie was. Speaking of which, "Lola, why do you know what that is?" Lori asked with trepidation, afraid of uncovering something far worse than her initial problems today. "Um, _hello_! I have fashion for all occasions. Real pageant pros are ready to look their best at all times, even in private." Lola answered haughtily, with some grace thrown in. "Uh-uh, no. There's no way a six-year-old should know anything about se-" Lori caught herself and was about to use an alternative until Lana spoke up. "Sex? We know what that is. What's the big deal?"

At that moment Lori's brain stopped working. One of her baby sisters had just said the 'ecks' word. All other concerns are null and void. "Lana… How do you know what… sex… is?" Her cadence was slow, and each word felt heavy, not that Lana noticed though. "Pfft! I'm two exams away from my animal husbandry license! Of course I know how us mammals breed. I just don't get all the lovey-dovey junk." The little zoologist stated matter-of-factly. "Plus, ever since I got over my reading problem, I've been looking at the same magazines as you and Leni." The pink princess added. "What the heck can you learn about sex from our magazines?" Lori asked.

Lola gave back a deadpan stare, she then picked up the nearest issue of _Metropolitan_ and began speaking in the same manner as one of their plays used to get something from their parents. "Oh? What's this on the cover? "Color tips that will put the 'Spring' in your spring! Page thirty-eight." That's exactly what I need!" The hammy actress flips open the tome to the desired article. "Hmm… Very interesting." Her face gaining a smirk. "Oh! What's the next article? Page forty-two, "10 tricks to train your boyfriend to do with his tongue!" Number 10: The Rolling Lap. Get him started on Spanish conversation with this use of trilling. When he rolls his R's on your C, you're well on your way to El Dora-" The sound of gloss print being snapped up interrupted Lola, who maintained her poise and the smug satisfaction of proving her point. Lori chucked the mag on Leni's bed, red in the face. "We're switching to a digital subscription, Leni." "Aw… But my collages…" Pouted the designer.

"Anyone else want to tell me how much they shouldn't know?" Lori didn't care anymore, frustrating embarrassment replaced all her previous worries. "My books have made me intimately familiar with all the carnal desires of the flesh. One day I'll experience it with my immortal lover, but for now, I'll settle for artistic enjoyment." Lucy proved her Father right about her literature choices. "Yeah, very artistic." Lynn sarcastically remarked, before putting on her own little show. "And then his steaming flesh pole ruptured the barrier of my velvet curtains, the torrent of red and clear liquid matching the intensity of my pain and pleasure. I screamed ecstatically into his shoulder, feeling the sinews of his muscle with my teeth and tongu-" Lynn's mockery was cut short by a book thrown from her blushing roommate.

"I suppose you can guess that I've already learned the basics of biology, anatomy, and human social psychology. In fact, I could probably teach a whole course on sexual education right now." The lisping prodigy confirmed. Lily babbled out something of her own. "Oh god… What did she say?" Lori said into her hands again, giving up at this point. "She said she doesn't know much, but she knows a dang stork didn't bring us here." Lisa provided the translation.

"Great!" The eldest flared her arms and slapped them at her sides. "So everyone here knows how to 'do it'! What a wholesome family we turned out to be, right!? Just raise your hand if you've already gone all the way! Why keep secrets now!?" Lori yelled and clenched her eyes as she shot her hand up. "Well? Everyone done?" She took a peek and wished she had kept her mouth shut. Not a single other girl had their hand up. Lori wanted to bury herself in a hole. "Way to make me feel like the only shameless woman here, guys."

"Hey, that's not our fault! We just went over how we don't have boyfriends." Lynn rebutted. "If you're concerned about your reputation and standing with us; you're in a committed monogamous relationship with a man you regularly refer to as your 'soul mate' and keep a three-inch thick wedding journal about. It's normal that you would want to bond with each other." Lisa assured the eldest that she still had her moral authority. "Or… was it not with Bob-" "Yes, it was with Bobby! And **only** Bobby!" The flustered blonde answered curtly, cutting off any follow-ups.

"Still doesn't change that I haven't worn my outfit for him yet. I'm saving it for a really special occasion." She said dejectedly, wondering when that special occasion would come now that her boyfriend has moved three hours away. Despite the immense odds, the long distance hasn't torn a rift in them yet… well, physically yes, but not emotionally. A deep sigh escaped Lori's lips as she wondered out loud, "I wonder how far Lincoln's gone? He's a boy, after all, he's probably already curious about sex."

Lori's statement caused a few of the girls to chuckle. "What's so funny?" The blonde asked Luna, who was the first to laugh. "Nothing. Well, not really, it's just… kinda funny thinking about that kid doing anything spicy." Lori wasn't amused. "What's funny about imagining your little brother going to third base?" "You mean other than knowing he'll trip and get tagged out halfway there?" You'd think Lynn was referencing the wrong third base, but it's an accurate statement in both situations. "That, and it's funny because I **can't** imagine it. Oh man, let me tell ya' about three weeks ago."

####  _Saturday, January 23rd, 1216 Franklin Ave, 2nd Floor Hallway, 1:57 PM._

Luna wanted to get Lincoln's opinion on her newest song, as usual. What stopped her from barging into the room uninvited like always was an arrhythmic noise emanating behind his thin closet walls. Pressing her ear to the door, she could make out the sound of skin slapping skin and denim, some of those smacks sounding as if they were coming from his laptop speaker. A quick recoil and 'Blech!' brought her back. 'I didn't think he would start doin' that already.'

She turned around to look at the chaos in the hallway as the other girls were running amok. 'Thought he had more sense than to buff the banana at two o'clock on a Saturday.' Resolving to teach her brother the proper etiquette, she used some for the first time by knocking and clearing her throat, announcing her presence. "Who is it?" The boy replied, not stopping whatever activity he was engaged in, which put Luna off more than a little. "It's me, dude. Can I come in? I need to rap with you about somethin'." She put on her serious voice for this. "Luna? Perfect timing! I need your help with this. Come on in!"

Luna was dumbstruck; she questioned whether she heard that right or if the years of power amps cranked up to eleven have finally broken her ears. 'No way! My little bro wants me to help him polish his knob? I'm gonna straighten this out before it gets worse.' Luna took a deep breath and clenched her eyes shut as she quickly entered the converted linen closet, closing the door as fast as possible so it would expose no one in the hallway to the horror within. She could still hear the slaps, uninterrupted by her entrance.

"Seriously bro, what the heck! I know I may seem like the 'cool sis' and whatnot, but I have my limits too, mate!" The rocker was ready with her sermon as she slowly opened her eye to take a peek, both out of damage assessment and curiosity. "And this definitely goes way beyond those lim- What are you doing?" The sight before her changed her tune from one of indignation to bewilderment.

There sat Lincoln, fully clothed, in his chair, hitting his legs and arms open-handed, while an old man on his laptop did the same. "Hey, Luna! I can't get the hang of this 'hambone' thing yet. Can you give me some pointers?" **Hambone** : A style of folk music that uses one's own body as a percussive instrument. "Yeah, no." Luna remarked as she calmly closed Lincoln's laptop and gently guided him out into the hallway. "Let's get you some drumsticks if you're gonna lay a beat, bro." She said as they were walking to her room.

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lori's room, 10:18 AM_

"I tell ya, he makes a grown woman cry sometimes. Ya' know?" Luna punctuated her story. Sure enough, some of the women in the room had tears in their eyes, because they were holding back their laughter. "I can corroborate Luna's account with the additional information that I have found no seminal fluid in Lincoln's bedroom or trash bin. We can assume he has yet to discover masturbation." The Poindexter of the group surmised.

"Alright, admittedly he's a little immature. But he's definitely shown interest in girls, so he must be attracted to them physically, right?" Lori said through a few giggles. "True, Lincoln is a sucker for a pretty face. But that's just natural mate selection based upon features which indicate lack of genetic health issues and deformities which produces healthy offspring. If you're assuming Lincoln wants to get closer to girls because of sexual attraction, I believe living in the company of several women has completely dispelled any mystique of the female form for him. That, and he's in 5th grade." Lisa explained in her usual pleonastic matter that Lincoln basically isn't thinking about sex yet. "Wait, what does having ten sisters have to do with not being curious about girls bodies?" Lynn asked. "Need I remind you of the "Spring Forward" incident?" Everyone went into a flashback.

####  _Monday, March 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Second Floor Bathroom, ~~7:06~~ 8:06 AM_

"Stupid daylight savings time." Lincoln muttered scrubbing himself down as quickly as possible, trying to ignore everything outside the shower curtain. Regrettably, the outside didn't ignore him. "Hey, Lincoln." "Gah!" The soapy boy yelped, trying to cover his shame from the intruding head that breached the plastic barrier.

Apparently, no one remembered to set their clocks forward the previous day, resulting in everyone having a late start this Monday morning. The entire second floor was in a frantic rush to get ready for school. They couldn't afford the luxury of going one at a time in the bathroom, so it was a free for all with as many siblings as possible.

"Leni! A little privacy, please!" He remarked, annoyed by the interruption, not that she noticed. "Sorry Lincoln, but can you hand me my razor? I can- _not_ go out looking like a Yeti! My social life would be ruined!" Lincoln grumbled and quickly handed his beauty obsessed sister her pink safety razor without argument, knowing it was the easiest course of action. "Thanks, Lincoln! Oh! Don't forget to water your crops." That needed an explanation. "My what?" The boy asked, dumbfounded. "Mom said you were growing potatoes in your ears. I didn't know you were a farmer?" "Neither did I." He said sardonically as he grabbed a washcloth and went to town on his canals.

Even with his ear plugged, Lincoln could make out the sound of Lori grunting and huffing in front of the mirror. "Hnngh! Dang it! Lincoln, can you hook my bra from back there?" She requested as if she were only asking him to pass the salt. "Kinda busy right now." The prospector said while mining deeper into his cranium. "Come on, you're literally the only one with a free hand right now, so put it to use." she sternly said while opening the curtain to give her little brother access to her back. "Ugh! Fiiine." The boy whined, setting down the washcloth and getting to work. He somehow managed to clasp the brassiere together with his wet hands, which made Lori eep on the first contact. The sight of bare back and side boob not fazing the pre-adolescent one bit; if they didn't care about seeing him naked, he would care even less about seeing them.

"Thanks, Lincoln. Oh, shoot! We're still falling behind!" Lori exclaimed after glancing at her phone clock. "Lola! Lana! Lisa! In the shower, on the double!" The eldest commanded her platoon. "Oh, come on! I haven't washed my hair yet!" Lincoln griped. "No buts! Make some room Lincoln, we're late as it is." There was no use in debating. "Frankly, I don't see why this is an issue. You've probably changed our diapers on more than one occasion. Why get embarrassed now?" The mop-headed toddler made a valid point for a different argument. "I'm not embarrassed, I'm annoyed. Now it's going to take twice as long for me to get done." Lincoln shot back. "Well, then you should stop wasting time by complaining, shouldn't you? Now scoot." The snarky pageant queen said as she shoved him to the side.

The other, less elegant blonde quickly rinsed herself in the water spray and then tried to hop out in less than two seconds. "Done! See you downstairs!" A pair of hands stopped her, lifting the girl by her armpits. "Ah-bup bup! Where do you think you're going?" Lincoln rhetorically asked. "What? I made it quick. Now you have more time, and I don't have to bathe. It's win-win." Lincoln wasn't buying it. "No, it's win-lose for the rest of us, especially if I have to sit next to you in Vanzilla. Come here, let's do this right." Lincoln set the pouting gremlin back down and got the washcloth lathered with soap. He scoured the fidgeting child as best as he could, flaking off layer after layer of dirt and grime. Lincoln cleaned his sister the same way a parent would their own offspring; firm but careful, taking no guff and having no interest in anything other than the task at hand.

"Yeesh! You've got a bumper crop of spuds growing too, don't you?" He remarked as he cleaned Lana's ears. He finished with a shampoo rub of her wavy hair. 'How can they be identical twins and have different hair?' Thought the boy as he toweled Lana like he was buffing a car. "There, much better." He smiled at his own handiwork. "Thanks, I guess." Lana said sarcastically as she exited the tub. The five-minute exchange was long enough for Lisa and Lola to finish. "All yours." Lisa said as she and Lola stepped out. "Finally." Lincoln lathered his hair as Lola plugged her nose, passing by Lynn on the toilet, doing her morning business, reading a sports almanac. "Gross! Haven't you heard of a courtesy flush?" The athlete rolled her eyes. "Sorry, not all of us poop glitter and rainbows." She scoffed while reaching for the handle. "Courtesy flush? Wait! No, don't-" The neighbors could hear Lincoln's scream for half a mile as the old plumbing increased the water temperature.

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lori's Room, 10:24 AM_

Back in the present, the temperature of the room was also rising. This was due to the steaming faces of several blushing girls. Why were their faces so flushed? Because the memory brought them images of their brother's nubile, young naked body. Why was this an issue now? They didn't think anything of it then, they didn't think anything of it recently, heck most of them thought seeing him in his underwear was gross. That was before they ate his chocolates this morning. In addition to the already muddying feelings of arousal, some girls felt a deep sense of shame and embarrassment.

Lola facepalmed herself, she touched Lincoln's thigh when she pushed him in the shower. Her hand came dangerously close to his 'Family Jewels'. Leni was buried in her pillow, mortified at the thought of her baby brother seeing her in an unkempt state. Lana pulled her hat over her face, probably the most abashed of the bunch. Just recalling the way her brother forcefully, yet carefully, handled her sent tingles down her spine. Even though there was nothing sensual or erotic about the experience, she couldn't help but feel giddy that she got such personal attention from her big brother. The shame came, however, from the circumstances of that special care; that she was such a filthy little urchin capable of surpassing even Lincoln's high tolerance levels of discomfort. The feeling in her chest started to tighten.

"We may be a bit too comfortable around each other." Lori sheepishly said. "This is what happens when you treat him like 'one of the girls' I guess." Lynn spoke while fidgeting with her bangs, trying to get some oddly pleasant images out of her head. "Whether it's due to his age or our constant exposure, it's clear Lincoln doesn't have any copulative motivations yet when it comes to courtship." Lisa reestablished, looking unaffected. "Wait, wait. What about the positives? Like, what if living around girls makes him better at romance?" Lori grasped at straws. "I can tell you that's not the case." Lucy began to weave a yarn.

####  _Saturday, May 21st, 1216 Franklin Ave, 2nd Floor Vents, 3:09 PM_

Lucy was absorbed in her pastime of poetry writing, taking refuge in the sanctity of the houses ventilation system. She was about to jot down the perfect rhyme for 'axel' when she was interrupted by a conversation from Lincoln's room. With her concentration broken, the little goth decided to take a break and see what her brother was up to. Peering through the grate, she spied on her sibling and his best friend, Clyde, doing what could be called cute in one sense, or pathetic in another. They seated Lucy's bust of Edwin at a candlelit table across from Lincoln, a picture of a random girl taped to its face.

"Alright, Lincoln. You're at a romantic dinner with your crush. The lighting is low, it's just the two of you. You look into her eyes; what do you do next?" Lincoln thinks for a moment, before answering optimistically, "Hold her hand." A loud whistle startles the snow-topped lad as his friend calls a foul. "Wrong! Start with a compliment. Tell her she looks lovely; she spent a lot of time looking good for this, you know." Lincoln stammers a bit looking for something to praise about the statue.

"Ah, umm… your teeth!" The boy switches to a relaxed pose, hand under his chin, elbow propped on the table, a seductive glance with a grin. "Your fangs look enchanting this evening, the way they glimmer in the candlelight. You know, appreciation for good oral health kinda runs in my family." Apparently, Dental Hygienist is an inherited trade now. Mom will be so proud. Lucy let loose a sigh from her hiding place.

"Hmm… good enough. Alright, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, what do you do next?" Without missing a beat, the romancer in training exclaims, "Hold her hand!" Once again a screeching whistle knocks him down. "Lincoln! Control yourself, man! Only a cad goes for hand-holding before the third date. What happens next is conversation. Talk about your interests, but don't hog the discussion. And remember, no religion; no politics." Lincoln nodded getting back in his chair, rubbing his ringing ear.

"*Ahem* So… Read any good books lately?" Silence was all the plaster date returned. "Oh, I've heard of that. My sister recommended it to me. How is it so far?" The quiet was deafening. "Wait, wait wait! Don't spoil it! Sorry, I want to go into it fresh. But, that reminds me of this latest Ace Savvy were Ace has to rescue One-Eyed Jack from the Card Countess before she- What's that? Oh! Sorry, no spoilers. Right." Lucy smacked her forehead.

"All right stop right there. You were doing fine until you started talking about comics. Girls want a man of culture, not a little boy. Keep your hobbies to yourself until you've been together for one month." Lincoln didn't get it, but he acted like he understood anyway. "Got it. Now can I hold her hand?" Another blow of the whistle gave him his answer.

"Lincoln Loud! How many times am I going to have to tell you to keep it in your pants, mister!" "But you said it was bad manners to put my hands in my pockets?" "It's a metaphor! For what, I don't know, but the point stands. Honestly, can't you think of anything else to do in this situation?" Clyde had turned around, crossing his arms, waiting for Lincoln's answer. Lucy by this point had been on the verge of pulling her hair out, and could hold back no more as she shouted in her dreary voice, "Just kiss her!"

Clyde spun around with a shocked gasp at the equally stunned boy who was wondering where that came from, thinking it possible that it actually was his inner desires. "I can't believe this. You need to learn some self-control young man! I'm leaving before I become an accomplice to something depraved." The offended child reprimanded as he stormed out of the deviant's room. "But I-" *Slam!* The boy sighed, slouching over the tableware with a defeated look, his noggin supported by his arm again. He looked at his company for the evening. "So, you want to split the bill or…" The taped picture came loose and floated under the gap of Lincoln's door, sticking him with the check. The hopeless kid groaned as he face-planted the table, draping his crutch arm over his crown.

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lori's room, 10:29 AM_

"I've seen zombies with smoother moves than him." The eerie little girl finished her tale. There were a few more chuckles in the room, however, they were tinged with pity. Each story gave the girls a better understanding of their brother's innocence. But they also painted a picture of a lonely boy trying to navigate an awkward time in his life. He'd had a close relationship before with Ronnie Anne, so they all thought he was already experienced in that regard. But maybe he needed more than that?

"What about outside the house? How does he act around other kids? Luan, he helps you out at parties, right? What's he like there?" Lori got no response. "Luan?" She was nose deep in that issue of _Metropolitan_. "Luan!" Mr. Coconuts poked his head out from inside the magazine, and then nudged his partner once he realized they were up. "Huh? What!?" The teenybopper shut the salacious mag and hid it behind her. "Sorry, what was the question?" Lori glared at her sister. "Lincoln. Parties. Other kids?" "Oh! Right, right right. Well… let's just say he's always _flirting_ with disaster."

####  _Sunday, June 12th, 788 Jefferson St, Backyard, 12:12 PM_

Another day, another dollar and some cake for Luan as she performed for a new crowd of pre-teens. Lincoln was helping as a stagehand again in exchange for a little spending money, and dessert, of course. During the after show cleanup, Luan noticed a few girls around Lincoln's age sneaking peeks at the boy and tittering as he loaded up the props from the day's production. Luan couldn't help grinning and sauntered over to her little helper. "*Psst* Hey, Lincoln." The boy quizzically looked at his sister, wondering why they were whispering.

"Yeah? What's up, Luan?" Her Cheshire smile grew as she pointed his head at the chirping little chickadees. "See those ladies over there?" "Uh huh… And?" "Well, apparently they brought their library cards with them because they've been _checking you out_ for a while now! Get it?" The comedienne gently nudged his ribs, eliciting a nervous laugh from the tickling and the innuendo. "Haha… Good one, Luan." He smiled and went back to his work, but was quickly interrupted as Luan spun him around again, this time looking more serious. "Lincoln! I wasn't joking. Those gals are into you! Go talk to them." Her voice almost sounded like she was pleading with him, her eyes told him she was just trying to help.

Lincoln looked at her, and then looked at the girls, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. "You really think so?" "I know so, buddy." A reassuring smile on her face. Lincoln straightened his shirt, checked his hair, took a deep breath and put on his best suave look as he strutted towards his marks. A push from behind gave him a speed boost, he looked back to see his sister winking and giving a thumbs up, "Go get 'em, tiger!" The confident boy returned his own wink and thumb, stopping himself just before bumping into the trio of pre-teens.

"Hey! Great party, right?" A good start, they didn't walk away yet. "Yeah, really great. We especially liked the show." The curly haired brunette spoke for the group, her finger twirling the rim of her red cup. "Oh really? Well, what would you say was your favorite part?" Lincoln leaned forward, trying to strike a casual pose, legs crossed, hands on hip and picnic table, or what he thought was the table. Lincoln fell to the ground as the cake tray he used as a support flipped above him, showering him with marble sheet frosted goodness, courtesy of whoever left it hanging halfway off in the first place. The girls snickered at the amusing scene before them. "Yeah, we really liked the physical humor. You guys are great at pratfalls."

Lincoln recovered quickly, collecting himself and getting back into character. "Haha. Yeah, well, when it comes to comedy, we really," He licked some frosting from his thumb, " _take the cake_." He said with an eyebrow wiggle, eliciting more giggles from the girls, and a laugh from Luan at her spot backstage, "Good one!" Again, Lincoln attempted a cool posture by putting his leg up on the picnic table, only to have a loose seat board kiss him hello. The kid must've been born under the star of Buster Keaton. Luan winced and hissed at the sight, thinking that had to hurt, in more ways than one. He could hear the girls' laughter through the dull pain and his own groans, getting back on his feet. "Like, how do you do that? You're so funny! You have to give us your number!" Lincoln thought his goose egg was making him hear things. "Wait, really!? I mean," 'Play it cool, Loud, be aloof.' "Sure, I can do that for you." He said, clicking a pen, ready to sign some hands. "Great! I can't wait to book you guys for my party."

And there it is. "Right, the business number. Of course. Your fun is our business after all!" A cloud of cardstock fluttered to the ground as Lincoln managed to whip out three yellow rectangles. "Dang it." The girls were further impressed by what they thought was a skit and showed it with more uproarious laughter. "Tha~nks!" The young ladies said in a chorus as they grabbed a card. "Okay, I'll catch you guys later. Stay beautiful!" He said walking backward, shooting some finger guns in their direction. "Bye~." The girls harmonized as they waved.

About halfway back, Lincoln turned forward and let his shoulders slump as he exhaled, dejected. His ears picked up some gossip. "So what did you think of that boy?" The redhead asked. "He's cute, but a bit too goofy for my taste." The girl who led the conversation with Lincoln responded. "Yeah… But he has a great butt!" The Blonde exclaimed, causing the group to joyously shout 'Eeew!' and laugh at their naughtiness. The tushy being lauded was covered by said blushing boy's hands as he sheepishly plodded back to the prop table. Luan's face furrowed in guilt, thinking she might have put Lincoln in an uncomfortable situation with her meddling.

"I'm sorry Lincoln… Are you okay?" The lad looked at the worried face of his sister, it gave him the motivation to cheer up, at least for now. "Yeah, I'm great! Your awesome brother just used his networking talents to score three new clients." The little salesman bragged. Luan had to chuckle at that, both out of amusement at his smugness and relief at his optimism. "Well, that's good to hear. But seriously, those girls don't know what they're missing. It's not everyday someone as _sweet,_ " she grabbed a piece of cake from his hair, "and as funny as you comes along, ya know?" She gave a reassuring pat on his shoulder as she chomped down the dessert, getting a laugh out of the boy.

"Thanks, Luan. That means a lot. But really, I'm fine. Anyway, I gotta get back to packing the rubber chickens and bowling balls." He said walking back to prop trunk. "Sure, thanks for the help. Remember what you said; you're an awesome brother." Lincoln gave Luan a thumbs up, which she happily returned. Her gaze shifted back to the girls, engaged in their own conversation, and pondered what went wrong. She's normally so good at reading the mood. She didn't have much time to dwell on that though, as the trio started laughing again while looking towards the stage. Looking back, she couldn't help giggling herself as Lincoln was in the middle of cleaning the cake off with the seltzer water.

"Classic." Luan mused to herself as her custom extra wide nozzle blasted the boy from head to toe with carbonated water. The fun was over though when she saw him after the fact. Normally when someone gets splashed in the face, they get mad, laugh it off, or at least look annoyed. Lincoln's expression was a completely blank slate, not deadpan, just neutral as if nothing mattered. Luan noticed he was staring at his reflection in the bottle, and looked at the ground when she saw the deep sigh he let out before packing it in the trunk. There was nothing funny about that.

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lori's Room, 10:38 AM_

"I've never seen someone look so… _empty_ after getting spritzed before. It's just not right." Luan ended her story. There was no laughter this time. Heck, Leni had tears in her eyes. Lola was running through several devious plots, showing those girls just what a great deal they passed over. Lynn was unexpectedly calm, she was just shaking her head, thinking 'That's to be expected.'

"It's, um… it's pretty clear that Lincoln is old enough to take an interest in girls. I mean, of course, we knew that already, but now we know how much of an interest he has at least." Lori put a positive spin on the tetralogy of tales. "That, and how little he knows in how to interact with them." Lisa added. "Hey, I think he handled those slip-ups pretty well. Not many guys can _stay frosty_ in those situations." Luan defended her brother's performance. "That's because he was putting on an act, Luan. He always pretends to be cooler than he is when meeting new girls." Lori lamented. "Which is sad, because we told him he should just be himself." She said, wondering why he rejected their advice.

"And how has that been working out for him so far?" Lisa queried. The girls looked at each other, hoping someone had a good story. "Ronnie Anne! She likes Lincoln for himself. And they've kissed!" Lori was optimistic that her case study was definitive proof of her theory. "But they're just friends now, dude. And it's iffy they were dating in the first place." Luna discredited her study. "Plus, I think that new girl is also just friends with him right now." Luan reminded everyone of the girl with the yellow bow. "Now that I think about it, he never got a response from his love letter either, did he?" Lynn dealt a painful blow. "I've seen him with a girl at school, but I'm pretty sure she's one of his guy friends." Lucy recalled the lass with a braided ponytail seen in Lincoln's cadre of curiosities.

"Well, it seems the evidence speaks for itself. All the girls that like Lincoln for himself tend to only view him as an acquaintance. It's completely logical that he would try to be someone he's not if his goal is to gain a romantic partner." Q.E.D. in Lisa's corner. Lori couldn't refute her, she just thought about her little brother. She thought and thought and couldn't find anything that would make him unappealing to the opposite sex, which was weird because on a normal day she would have a foot long list of why he was an annoying little twerp. "What's wrong with all the girls around here?" She asked no one in particular. "Nothing's wrong with them." Was everything she said going to be contradicted today?

"What do you mean, Lynn?" Lori responded with narrowed eyes. "Look, don't get the wrong idea. I think Lincoln's the sweetest, funniest, most adventurous, all-around good guy I know." 'That's a lot of positive adjectives for a boy you think has no game.' Lori snarkily thought. "But, there's no denying Lincoln's just not dating material yet. The hopelessly cute nerd thing only lasts so long until a girl needs more excitement. He can't keep someone's interest if he's always on the bench is what I'm saying." Her sports analogies driving the point home.

" _I think he's fine the way he is…_ " Leni said under her breath, taking offense at the notion Lincoln was deficient in some way. "Yeah, I agree, but he won't get anywhere until he learns a thing or two about love." Luan gave her frustrated sister a calming shoulder rub. Leni knew they meant well, but she couldn't help but take what Lynn said as a criticism of her taste for some reason. "I know… But does he have to get hurt so much while doing it?" The idealistic young woman wondered. "That's life, I suppose. Lincoln is just going to have to go through the trial on his own. We can be there to give him advice or help him out with any problems, but we can't give him the experience he needs that socializing with other girls can." Lisa, ever the realist, laid out the facts of life.

Lori needed another fix after that depressing realization, taking another chocolate from her bag. "Dwelling on this isn't getting us any closer to a thank you gift, you know? What can we do for Lincoln that really shows how much we appreciate him?" Lori switched the subject back to the original issue. "Put some sauerkraut on a peanut butter cup, give him a thank you card, and a kiss on the cheek," Lisa looked in Leni's direction, causing the blonde's face to flush. "and move on. These feelings are only temporary. I'm sure we'll be back to normal on Monday when your supply of confections will have no doubt run out by then." Lisa adjusted her glasses, thinking she had given the best solution.

The room seemed resigned to that suggestion, though everyone felt it was lacking at best. Lori took a bite of her valentine, thoughts of everything they discussed swirling in her head. The fact that each girl was alone on the most romantic day of the year, with lingerie gathering dust, waiting for Mr. Right to come along and woo them. That the one boy in the group was possibly the most isolated because of his inexperience, and there was nothing they could do to help. The irony that the same boy made them all feel so special and loved, despite having no skill in romance, just by putting in a little extra time and effort. Feeling like garbage that she couldn't do the same for him. Lori did not get a trip down memory lane this time. Instead, she got an idea.

Lincoln sat at his desk going over his homework and prepping for his next test. He looked more stressed than normal, with his heel tapping the floor and his fingers scratching his scalp as he tried his best to work through the assigned problems. A knock on his door prompted an irritated "I'm busy." from the boy. "It's Lori. Do you need any help with your homework?" Almost immediately his mood improved. "Yeah, I could use some advice. Come on in." The door opened slowly as Lincoln organized his stack of papers, getting all the troublesome questions in order. "Okay, I need some help with prime factorization in math. And then for biology, I can't seem to remember the difference between classification leve- Buh… Buh…" The worksheets fell to the ground after Lincoln got a look at his big sister.

Her usual blue flats were replaced with black high heels. Her khaki shorts were traded for a black faux leather skirt, the high-waisted kind that went up past her midriff, tightly outlining her stomach and pelvic bones. A white long sleeve blouse for the top, tucked into that deadly bottom, unbuttoned for an easy view of her cleavage. Her hair was tied back into a bun to give the illusion of professionalism, it only made her ensemble more seductive. A pair of fake glasses and a ruler in her hand accessorized the school marm look. Not an ounce of shame was on her smug face as she squatted down to pick up the loose paper, making sure to give the flustered lad a full look down her bosom. She put her hand on his thigh and gave it a squeeze as she used his leg for support to stand back up, eliciting a gasp from the child.

"You know Lincoln, sometimes it's good to… take a break whenever you're stuck on something." She leaned in front of him as she set the papers back on his desk, nearly smothering him with her breasts. "But, if you're so intent on studying, why don't we start with…" A sultry pause as she went behind his chair, her hand caressing his chest, tracing his collarbone from shoulder to shoulder. "Health and physical education." The home tutor ran the edge of her ruler along the underside of her trapped pupil's chin, lifting his head back with a moan as she took pleasure in seeing his throat nervously try to swallow his spit. She slid her free arm down his chest, his stomach, his pelvis, feeling them hitch with every breath. Her hand hovered just above his crotch, and she whispered hotly into his ear, "Let your big sister teach you how to be a… healthy boy." She grabbed his groin as she bit his earlobe.

Lori snapped back to the real world with a deep inhale as if she forgot to breathe for an hour. It was only ten seconds. Her eyes were wide and her face looked like it had been sunburnt, but the heat was internal. 'Oh God, I know what this feeling is.' She was no longer in her state of denial, the thing she wanted to reject the whole meeting being accepted. Everything became clear with that fantasy. "I guess if no one has any other suggestions…" Lori's neck whipped back to her siblings. 'It's now or never, Lor.'

"Wait!" All eyes shifted to the sweaty teen. "I… have an idea." She put on a too wide smile, trying badly to cover up any reticence to what she was about to propose. "What if, instead of letting Lincoln stumble and get his heart broken over and over again… how about we teach him about romance, and give him all the experience he'll need?" A few quirked eyebrows appeared as they thought it over. "I guess that's something we could do." Said Luan. "Hold on, how are we supposed to teach him about romance? We're not exactly the best dating examples, remember?" Lola remarked. "But you can teach him what girls like because you are girls. And, maybe, you can learn something from him about boys too?" She had to admit, it was intriguing.

"How much do you intend to teach him? How far is it going to go?" Lori's biggest obstacle spoke up. "As far as you want it to go, I guess?" She tried to play it off. "And how far do you want to go?" Lori's eyes were swimming now. "Um…" She hadn't planned on how to get everyone on board so quickly just yet. "Do you want to talk with him?" She nodded her head. "Do you want to touch him?" Another nod, though Lori saw the others nodding as well. "Do you want to kiss him?" Lori watched the blushes on her sisters' cheeks as she nodded again. "Do you want… to go even further?" Lori coyly scrunched her shoulders as she twisted her arms in figure 8, an embarrassed but giddy grin on her blushing face. "I mean… if that's what happens, why not just go with it?"

"No!" Lisa emphatically yelled. Her eyes scowling behind her glasses. "Absolutely not!" Her voice reverberated like the strum of a guitar. "Come on, Lisa!" "No! Do you have any idea what sexual abuse does to boys? The Enhanced risks of substance abuse? Lowered academic performance? Increased propensity for crime!? Seventy-five percent of serial rapists were sexually abused by a female relative in their childhood, Lori! Is that what you want? Or do you want his chances of committing suicide to multiply three times!?" Lori winced at the damning facts, but something made her push through, regardless. "That doesn't happen to all of them though, does it? And almost all of it is against their will, right? It wouldn't be forced with us." The trilling of chords accompanied Lori's counterargument.

"That's pure sophistry! A negation of a negative does not equal a positive! There are no benefits gained from being molested as a child, and yet here you are, saying it should be okay so long as there's a chance he won't suffer any of the detriments!" A power chord explosion of logic from the four-year-old. "The benefit is Lincoln knowing that there are people who love him and are willing to help him whenever he needs it. And anyway, isn't it our duty as the women of the family to teach him how to treat girls?" Another set of strings played for Lori's attack. "Oh, so we're emulating nobles now? Sure, let's drop in on our brother for a quick handy in between our one bath a week and avoiding the bubonic plague. Of course, we all know that generations of inbreeding had no negative effect whatsoever on royalty!" Lisa bellowed with the reverb of a triple strike on a six string.

"He's right on the verge of puberty! What better time than now to advise him on how to be a good lover!?" The plucking of a guitar punctuated Lori's statement. "It's the worst time for that! He's got two years before it really starts, and it's the most confusing point for any youth! Being groomed as a sex toy is just more unnecessary grief!" Lisa and Lori were in each other's faces at this point, and as the guitar solo reached a crescendo, they found something to agree on. "LUNA!" A screech of steel strings broke the atmosphere as the family musician's hands quickly retracted from her instrument. An embarrassed grin offered as an apology for providing the soundtrack to their Mexican standoff.

Despite the annoyance, Luna's impromptu unplugged session did help dispel the antagonistic mood brewing between the eldest and second youngest sisters. "Look, Lisa, I get that you're justifiably worried about Lincoln's safety and growth. But I really think he's ready for this. And this is something we all need too. This is the best way we can repay him for what he does for us." Lori made another appeal. "Did we not just go over how sexually immature he is? What makes you think he's in any way prepared mentally, or emotionally, for one-on-one sex ed?" Lisa snapped back.

" **This** is what tells me he's ready." Lori held out her bag of valentines. The other girls brought out their own and looked at them, all except Lisa who left hers in her room and stood arms folded, unconvinced. "These are the proof that Lincoln is ready to learn about adult relationships. You've all felt strange when eating them, right? What have you been fantasizing about since you got them? What do you want to do for Lincoln right now?" Lori's plan of action was underway, breaking from a lone argument with Lisa and instead asking what the group was thinking. Who was going to start?

"...I just wanna 'pologize." Looks like the bard had something to get out. "Lincoln's always been supportive of my music, even when I wasn't very good to begin with. But what did I do when he was working hard at his own thing? I laughed at him… I laughed at the idea he could even get any girls! Shows what I know… his stuff is so good it makes me want to give him a whole lotta love." She hugged her guitar to her chest at the end. "I wouldn't worry too much about that, Luna. I cracked a few jokes too, remember?" The rocker's prank-loving roommate tried to comfort her sis.

"Lincoln knows we care about him, even when we make fun of him. He gets it, you know? In fact… he's probably the person who gets all of us the most." Luan's face when somber. "Guys, can I make a quick confession? I know my style humor is not for everyone, and a lot of my jokes may not be the best. But I know you guys wouldn't want me to change it, and that's great, but… well, I think Lincoln might understand me the most out of all of you. And I want to know more about him too." A small instance of empathy among the group as Luan admitted the unspoken truth that some siblings are closer to others than the rest. Everyone understood that.

"That's it? I thought you were going to confess that you also think he has a cute butt." It had to be ruined by her talking log. "That's not what you think!" The flustered girl tried to cover for herself. "I was just stating it from an artistic standpoint, ya' know? Purely for aesthetic reasons!" This was true, and right now the other ladies couldn't really admonish her for thinking something they all agreed with right now. Still didn't stop them from smirking and giving sideways glances, relishing in the schadenfreude of seeing the family trickster put herself in a precarious position for the sake of comedy. " _I told you that in confidence!_ " Luan whisper-yelled to her traitorous literal right-hand man. "What can I say? That's what happens when you tell secrets to a _dummy._ " The shit-eating grin on that piece of firewoods face made Luan consider amputation for a moment.

The short skit did help make the others more comfortable, strangely enough. "You can thank me for that butt, by the way." Lynn proudly proclaimed. "I'm probably the main reason that dork gets any exercise at all. Now all he needs is the confidence that comes with it; he needs some assertiveness trained into him. Who better to teach him about dominance than the Tri-county record holder for most Junior Varsity Wrestling takedowns?" The gladiator boasted while cracking her knuckles.

"I can admit that our brother's optimism and energy are sometimes a welcome breath of fresh air. But if he really wants to win maidens' hearts, he's going to need to learn to be more stoic and morose than he is now." Lucy mused, imagining all the ways to mold her brother into the Byronic Hero of her dreams.

"Ugh. Why do you all want to change him so much?" Lola gave a sneer in their direction. "I know Lincoln isn't perfect. He can be crude, a little selfish, always cooking up a new scheme, takes advantage of a good situation." You'd think Lola was disparaging her brother if it weren't for the hint of pride in her voice, as if she were admiring someone's handiwork. "I swear, he gets that last one from Mom." Lori recalled their Mother's community service stunt, contrasting it with Lincoln's deciding vote for their vacation.

"Let me finish. *Ahem* _But_ , he always tries to correct his mistakes. And he's always willing to forgive us for ours too. He's always there whenever we need help, or need someone to play with, or need a shoulder to cry on, or for whatever else we could need. And I'd like to believe we're there whenever he needs us too." This was one of Lola's uncommon sentimental moments. Her voice a softer, more genuine tone fitting a cute girl her age. "I want him to understand, there was never a time when I truly felt he wasn't _good enough_ to be my brother." The little girl's crossed arms tightened, worried if her nitpicking of Lincoln's habits caused him to think he couldn't meet their standards. "You get what I mean, right Lana?" The princess asked her other half, only to realize she wasn't completely focused. "Lana? Were you listening?" Not really, Lana has her own problems right now.

"Guys… am I gross?" 'Where is this coming from?' Was the simultaneous thought each sibling had. This was strange for Lana because not only was the answer an emphatic 'yes', but Lana herself took the most pride in that fact normally. "Well… you do eat garbage. Which is really bad for you, by the way." Lori felt a twinge in her chest after seeing Lana get more sullen. "But, we all love you just the same and wouldn't ask you to change. Same goes for Lincoln." She quickly followed up.

"I know… And I really appreciate it. It's just… today made me think about how Lincoln always sees me at my worst, and he accepts me, for the most part. I'm thankful that, just like you guys, he cares enough to try to make sure I clean up a bit for my sake." The little girl dug her toe into the carpet. "I want him to see me at my best for once. I need to show him that I can be pretty too when I try." A gentle pink-gloved hand rested on her shoulder. "I know you can. You've got natural good looks, after all." Lola said with a knowing smile, reminding her sister they were identical in more ways than one.

The girls turned to Leni to hear what she planned to do with Lincoln, only for her to blush and titter, "Oh gosh, don't make me say it again." with an embarrassed smile. Lori grinned at Lisa, who scoffed in return.

"What exactly is this supposed to prove?" The stoic four-year-old posed to her elder. "It proves that all we want is to do something nice for our brother." That answer combined with the smirk on Lori's face really set Lisa off. "No, what you want is to satisfy your own urges! Every one of your so-called 'gifts' is completely centered on you! 'I want him to be like this.' 'I want him to validate me.' 'I want to teach him how to make me **cum!** '" The vitriol in Lisa's voice stung everyone's flesh. Her tone lowered for the next lashing, an even measured growl, like a wolf slowly closing its maw on their throats.

"This is why he made those chocolates… It's not some sign of maturity; not some signal that he's 'down to fornicate'! It's because we keep piling these endless responsibilities for our happiness on him. Of course, he thought anything less than the best wouldn't meet our standards; we continue increasing them every year… And now you want to use him as a surrogate for your unfulfilled fantasies?" Lisa waited to see if any of the girls could stop trembling long enough to counter her. There was no better time than now to end this.

"How badly do you want to see him break?"

If you listened closely, you could hear the sound of glass cracking, as several young girls' hearts were being slowly crushed in a merciless vice. Even though it was painful, they didn't resist or try to stop it. They knew that the one tightening the screws was not torturing them out of malice, nor did they take pleasure in their action. She was doing it for the sake of protecting something precious to her; precious to all of them, and she was willing to be the villain if that was what it took. But, there was one who would not crack, no matter how much pressure was applied, and this one had no qualms about seizing any means of victory.

"You really do love your brother, don't you?" Lori said in the same way Lisa made her last remark, not as a question, but as a statement. Lisa was taken aback by this, a look of confusion replacing her hard scowl. She looked at her older sister as if she had set up a press conference promising a revolutionary discovery, only to take the podium and announce to the entire world 'water is wet'.

"Obviously. What massive powers of insight you must have to deduce that I have feelings of affection for members of my family. Bravo." The kindergartner's natural sarcastic tone lent itself well to her patronizing praise. But the little girl returning to her neutral state gave Lori the chance to go on the offensive. "So why haven't you shown him you do?" Lisa's nose curled as her ire was being stoked once again. "Excuse me?" "What have you done to show Lincoln that you love him?" "What do you think I'm doing right now!?" "I think you're trying to avoid getting close to him because you're scared of bonding with him. Scared of bonding with any of us! Because that'll just make it harder for you!" "Harder for what!?" "Harder to say goodbye when he leaves!"

Hushed gasps brought the atmosphere to a complete halt, only disturbed by a few choked sobs. The ongoing feud had scared the girls, thinking it would damage their relationship forever, and the emotional toll was showing. "Ridiculous. You have no idea what you are talking about." Lisa didn't look Lori in the eye. "I know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm the one who thinks about it the most!" The tightening in Lori's throat couldn't stop what she needed to say.

"I have one year left… One year until I have to be the first to leave… And I can't stop myself from thinking about how much I'm going to miss you all. How I'm not going to see you all grow up in real time anymore. How I'm only going to learn about your first experiences through texts, the occasional phone calls, and Christmas visits." The girls had no idea. Lori always seemed so excited to be going off to College and living with Bobby. They didn't know she had been thinking about the losses in addition to the gains. "And now I realized it's not just me; this is going to affect all of you eventually… especially Lincoln." Everyone was more invested at the mention of his name. "How so?" Lisa quipped, seemingly unaffected.

"Because for the next five years he's going to lose another older sister. He will lose another support, another mentor, another person he can rely on for help whenever he has a problem. When I'm gone, he's not going to have someone with the life experience to give him advice on how to deal with the awkwardness of being a teenager." The many times Lincoln took notes with rapt attention while listening to the sage-like wisdom Lori imparted underneath the bed sheet tent symbolized to everyone that they had a relationship akin to that of master and apprentice. Lincoln was Lori's protégé in many ways and she was the first person he would go to whenever he needed any help with a serious problem.

"And after I'm gone, Leni will follow the next year, and with her will go the sister he can be vulnerable with. The one who can be his emotional support; the one he can let his guard down around and feel safe with, knowing he doesn't have to hide his feelings." Leni blushed at that, thinking her big sister was giving her too much credit. No one, not even Leni, has seen Lincoln cry since he was a toddler. Maybe it comes with being a boy, but Lincoln tends to have a good handle on his emotions, always working through them and coming up with a solution. But if there's ever a time where it becomes too much, everyone knew they had space available in Leni's arms.

"Next it'll be Luna. The one who teaches him how to relax. The laid-back sibling that won't stress him out with lots of demands and shows him how to go with the flow." While Luna was certainly the loudest of the kids, they had to admit she was the least hassle. Well, not to her parents of course with her constant breaking of curfew. But she has always been the most chill of all the girls, and she always tried to make sure everyone was enjoying life as much as she was.

"And then there's Luan. The true source of Lincoln's optimism. She always knows how to cheer him up when he's feeling down. Always showing him the bright side of a situation with humor." Even if the siblings found her constant puns and pranks to be annoying at times, everyone could appreciate a good joke, especially when Luan made just the right zinger at the best time. They knew that if they didn't have to spend their day being on guard for a stray pie in the face, their lives would be just a little less colorful as well.

"And finally, there's Lynn. Not only does she keep him fit and active, but she's also the one who makes sure he's tough enough to handle any challenge that life throws at him." Lynn's competitive nature and aggressiveness may get on everyone's nerves every so often. But, they had to admit, she was the best role model when it came to being a winner. Life is a competition after all, and there wasn't a better coach to have your back than 'Lunatic' Lynn Loud Jr.

"While it's true that your consecutive departures will probably leave an emotional impact on Lincoln, maybe more so than the rest of us to varying degrees. But is your best solution to mitigate the ordeal really to give him an even bigger trauma? If you want to bond more, try spending more time with him instead." Lisa, ever the pragmatist, dismissed Lori's sentimental appeal. "Don't think this only applies to us, Lisa. Think about it. After we're gone, Lincoln's going to be the next one in charge." The youngest girls' eyes widened at that realization. "For two years he will be the one taking care of you. Two years of him driving you wherever you want. Two years of him making sure you don't destroy the house while Mom and Dad aren't around. Two years of him helping you with your homework, giving you advice, covering for your mistakes." A pause as Lori collected herself.

"I can see it already… He'll be the second man of the house. He'll be your rock; your constant source of stability. He'll be there for you whenever and wherever you need him. If you're ever in danger, he'll come to save you like one of his comic book heroes. If you're sad, he'll be there to dry your tears and lend you his shoulder. If you feel lost in life and need direction, he'll be there to guide you. And when you're happy, he'll be there to smile with you." The littlest Louds' heartstrings were being pulled taught by the imagery of their big brother caring for them. "I know it'll be the best two years you'll spend with him… And it'll be over before you know it."

*Snap* "He'll be gone and out of our lives for who knows how long. And you'll be left wondering if we ever did enough; if we ever spent enough time with him. Worrying if we prepared him enough to face the outside world, while at the same time feeling scared of going out there without him to soothe us…" All the other girls couldn't look in Lori's direction. Each one was physically trying to hold themselves together, feeling anxious about the unknown future and wishing the present could last forever. Lisa was still unreadable, though she had turned her back to the group, leaning her shoulder on Leni's bed. She could either be just as compromised as her siblings or simply frustrated with the whole ordeal. For Lori, this was the gamble of a lifetime.

"I know there's no perfect solution, and that no matter how much time we spend with each other these fears will probably still be there. But I don't want to waste a single moment. I don't want to look back and regret any missed opportunity to be closer with you guys… And everything today is just too perfect not to take advantage of. Almost like a miracle." A scoff came from the other end of the room.

"Coincidence is not a justification for a complete disregard of common sense." Lisa remarked, still facing the door. "It makes perfect sense. When do you think another day like this will come around? Mom and Dad are gone for the entire evening. None of us have any plans. Wanna bet how much more perfect this opportunity can get? What days are we on Lisa?" The four-year-old glanced over her shoulder, reluctance to answer the question teeming from her narrowed eyes. "I know you keep track, Lisa. What days are we on?" Self-disgust welled up inside Lisa, unable to keep herself from wanting to divulge her knowledge of their health and well being. "You do know Menstrual Synchrony is largely a myth, right?"

"Answer the question, Lisa." The little girl cursed under her breath. She turned around and pointed at the oldest first. "Lori, you've been on birth control since a month after officially dating Bobby." A satisfied smile crossed Lori's face, while a devious one spread across Lisa's. "Synthetic hormones are known to affect mate preference in women, FYI. Hope you still find Bobby as attractive off the pill as you do on." Lori crossed her arms in a huff, offended by the very notion that their love was merely chemicals in the brain. Lisa turned to the next in birth succession.

"Leni is on the third day of her follicular phase. Since her cycle is thirty-two days, she has approximately eleven days before she begins ovulation." "Follicu-what? Is something wrong with my hair?" The embodiment of the dumb blonde joke checked her flawless hairdo. "Just so you know, I don't carry any Levonorgestrel or Mifepristone in my lab. So, any accidents are on you." Lisa deadpanned directly at Lori before pointing at two more sisters.

"Luna and Luan are both coincidentally on their luteal phase. I'd give about a week until Aunt Flo pays them a visit." The pair gulped, not looking forward to that event. "And as for Lynn… She hasn't had a period in about three months." The other girls' eyes bulged as they turned towards their sister. "Calm down. She has no experience like she said. This is a common occurrence amongst female athletes." Lisa assuaged their fears, which seemed ridiculous in hindsight as there was no way Lynn could hide a baby bump for that long now that they thought about it.

"Hey, I haven't missed 'em." The hyperactive brunette bragged. "I should remind you that athletic amenorrhea can cause infertility and osteoporosis if left untreated for too long. Which, come to think of it, may explain your short stature." Lynn's face went pale. "Maybe we should get that looked at later, Okay?" She said with a slight tremor in her voice. "Good idea." Lisa stated plainly. She redirected her gaze at Lori. "Wipe that look off your face. What does technically being on your 'Safe Days' supposedly prove?"

"Lisa, I can't help it if you can't see the obvious golden opportunity staring you in the face. But it doesn't matter because it's not up to you." Lisa wasn't going to take that. "Don't test me, woman. I can easily call our parental units back here in a heartbeat. And I have an impenetrable bunker to hide Lincoln in if it means keeping you away from him." Lori wasn't shaken. "You would have done it already if you really thought this was as harmful as you think." Lisa's eyes shifted to the floor. Lori sighed, she didn't like what she had done so far, but her conviction was unwavering.

"Lisa, you're not wrong for being scared about this. In any other family, this would be a terrible thing to consider. But we're not like other families; I don't know any group of siblings closer than us. What other groups of kids hang out together as much as we do? Covers for each other? Hatches plans together? Shares our dreams and secrets together? Overcomes our weaknesses and flaws together?" The sisters traded soft, weepy smiles. Wordlessly remembering all the times they helped one another with a problem, worked together to break some rule, confided their innermost fears. There wasn't any family as close-knit as they were, no question about it.

"There's nothing we could do that would really hurt us. No matter what arguments, feuds, or conflicts come our way, we always find a way to be a family again afterward, flaws and all." Lori could see the turmoil in Lisa's face. Remaining true to her words, she extended a familial gesture. "I won't force you, Lisa, I just want you to understand how important this is. This is _literally_ our only chance to show Lincoln how much he means to us. And if we let it slip by, we may regret it for the rest of our lives. There's a little boy in a linen closet right now who needs us more than ever, and I know you would do anything for him just like us." Lori could see Lisa was wavering, she just needed one more push.

"We'll take a vote. If we can't get most of us to agree with this, then we'll walk away and never speak of this again. Deal?" Lisa shook her head. "I won't allow a decision like this to be made by mob rule…" Lori's heart sank. Lisa would be stubborn till the bitter end, wouldn't she? "Only if it's unanimous." An audible 'What?' escaped Lori's lips. "If even one of you has enough rational sense left to see it my way, you will not go through with this. All or nothing, that's the deal." Lori scanned the room. She smiled, walked to the center, and thrust her hand out. "Deal."

Everyone was still. For a good half minute, it seemed like Lisa would be the victor. That was until Luna quietly got up and walked solemnly to Lori's side. She placed her trembling hand on Lori's, grabbing on to her big sister's for strength. "I'm in." She managed to say. "I don't know much, but I know I love Lincoln… And it's 'bout time I show the little bugger that for once, roight?" Luna's cockney growing with her confidence, as she set the stage for her sisters. They started moving, one by one another girl cast their vote.

"It would be a waste not awaken Lincoln's true potential. He's the one burdened with carrying on our family name, after all." Lucy droned as she placed her cold hand in the circle. "Why not? It's not like we would be the only ones with some _mangled roots_ in their _family tree_ after this. Right, Mr. Coconuts?" A loud gasp of betrayal emanated from the puppet. "I told you that in confidence!" "Payback's a _birch_ , ain't it?" Luan replied with a giggle as she thrust her hand into the pile. *BZZT!* And quickly took it out, apologizing for the joy buzzer.

"We're in!" The twins said in sync. "Lincoln needs to know there's no way anyone related to _me_ is anything less than perfect. Same goes for you too, Lana." The blonde duo shared tender smiles with each other while they added their tiny hands to the ballot. "Count me in! There's no way I'm sitting out on this match." Lynn proclaimed as she spits into her palm and slapped it in the ring, much to the displeasure of everyone else. "This is totes going to be the best Valentine we've ever given Linky, you guys!" Leni gleefully squealed as she placed her manicured hand on top.

Lori looked at each of her sisters in gratitude, true appreciation for their support radiated from her face. She gave the same kind expression to Lisa, who was still keeping her distance near the exit. Lisa was dumbstruck, but not surprised. She tried to fight emotions using logic, reason, and evidence. It was a fool's errand from the start. " _This is why universal suffrage was a mistake._ " She muttered under her breath as she plodded towards the huddle, placing her own hand in defeat.

"If you're going to do this anyway, I might as well try to minimize the damage as much as possible… And if this does somehow work, like heck I'm going to miss out on getting brownie points with Lincoln." The girls let out a chuckle which Lisa couldn't help smile at. That was when she noticed the hand she was touching was very small, and a little chubby. When she looked to her right, her eyes popped, then a devious smile spread across her face. She wasn't out yet.

"Oh Lori, I believe there's a little flaw to your idea." Lisa playfully remarked, grinning ear to ear at the prospect of assured victory. The others didn't know what she was referring to until their eyes widened at the sudden realization. Their gobsmacked vision directed at the ultimate weakness of this entire operation. The smiling infant cradled in Leni's arm, with her hand counted in solidarity with the rest. Lily felt the stares on her person, cocking her eyebrow as her big eyes flicked left and right before letting out a confused, "Wat?"

The girls all looked to Lori for guidance, Lori herself was completely unsure what to do. She wasn't willing to call the whole thing off, but even she wasn't so far gone in desire to involve a baby in their tryst. "We'll just have to keep Lily out of this. She's just playing along with her vote, anyway." She blurted, trying to resolve the issue as cleanly as possible.

"Oh-ho-no. I said it had to be unanimous. All or nothing, that was the deal. No degrees of evil here; if it's wrong for Lily to be involved, then it's wrong for all of us. Case closed." Lisa delivered her ultimatum, self-assured that there was no way Lori would try to justify this. Not that she wasn't trying. The rationalization hamster spun it's wheel into overdrive trying to find any excuse to keep going, and just when smoke was about to pour out of her ears, an angel spoke. "Wait, what's wrong with Lily joining us?" The fluttery voice of the second born daughter shocked all in attendance.

"... Leni, she's a baby." Lisa said as patronizingly as possible. "But, like, so are you, right?" The platinum blonde responded back, in a much friendlier and more inquisitive tone. "I'm clearly much more emotionally and mentally mature than others in my age group. That's why I am fully equipped to comprehend the significance of this situation." Leni's only signal that she heard her little sister was a short 'uh…?' "It means I'm smart enough to know what I'm doing and Lily isn't." "Yes, she is." Lisa just deadpanned at her sister, realizing she was arguing with another child.

"No, she isn't." "Yah-huh! I can prove it! Watch." Leni held the baby underneath her widdle arms and in the sweetest voice asked, "Lily, who's your favoritest, bestest, most wonderful big brother in the world?" Without missing a beat the one-year-old gleefully shouted, "Inkin!" "That's right! And how much do you love Lincoln?" The cute little bundle of joy strained her face adorably as she exerted everything she had to stretch her hands out as far and wide as possible. "See!? She loves him _soOo_ much! How can you tell her no?" The immature teen gushed as she held her charge out in front of everyone's faces, driving the infant's conviction home. The look of determination in Lily's eyes strangely set the others at ease, realizing that Lily wasn't an ordinary baby. She was a Loud, and the Loud's were anything but ordinary.

"You're right Leni. Lily is Lincoln's sister too, and she clearly wants to show him how much she appreciates his gift this year. She can stay." Leni and Lily let out a joyful 'Yes!', bringing a smile to everyone's faces. Well, everyone except Lisa, who sported a disgusted look combined with a twitching eye. "Are you all insane!? She's one! She doesn't know what she's doing!" Lori was tired of the back and forth at this point. "You don't know what she's doing either! She probably just wants to give him a hug or something, you don't know." "Why take the risk!" "What, do you not trust Lincoln? Is that it? You think he's some perverted little monster who would hurt his baby sister?"

Now Lisa was pissed. "You and I both know he would never-" But Lori was angrier. "That's right! He would **never** do anything to harm her! Or any of us for that matter! So what are you so scared of Lisa!?" Lisa was at a complete loss for words. Her massive intellect was brought to nothing by the absoluteness of Lori's voice. Try as she might, the coherence in her arguments never came back, all she could do was stammer the same points over and over. "B-but, but this is crazy! We can't do this! He's not ready! And she's a baby!" An indignant 'Bah!' came from her right. Lisa turned to see Lily scowling at her, genuinely unnerving the toddler.

What followed was a lengthy rant spoken in pure gibbering baby-talk, delivered by the most well-spoken baby of the bunch to her shocked roommate. Lily babbled at length about what she knew. She knew today was Valentine's day. She knew that people gave chocolates to the ones they love on that day. She knew her only brother just gave her something irreplaceable that showed just how much she meant to him. She knew that she was special to him because she knew whom it was that made sure she was always out of danger. She knew whose button nose gave her Eskimo kisses after changing her diaper. She knew whose orange polo it was that she snuggled up to every night since he gave it to her. She knew whose heartbeat lulled her to sleep on lazy Sunday afternoons, despite him probably being bothered by her weight on his chest and wanting to read comics. She knew he fell asleep soon afterward, keeping a hand on her for warmth and support. And she knew, above all else, that nothing and nobody was going to stop her from showing him just how important he was to her, "Dangit!" She concluded with a hearty curse, flooring everyone present. With a defiant huff, Lily thrust her hand in with the others, committed to giving back as much love, or more than, she had taken from him over her short life.

The room was astonished. No one could even think of anything to say at this point. They could only watch the mop-headed little girl tremble in place. Sympathy and guilt filling their hearts as they watched their most collected and ambitious sister wither and crumble under their unrelenting barrage. Lori especially recognized what she had done. She hadn't intended to do it, but she just broke her sister down, completely reducing her to putty in their hands. It was her duty to build her back up again.

"Lisa? Come here…" The Loud daughters made an opening in their midst, inviting Lisa into their center, guiding her gently into the warmth of their collective embrace. Kneeling around her and making sure she felt safe in all directions. "You're not a bad person, Lisa. Far from it, in fact. We all know that everything you said came from a place of love and protection." They could hear a sniffle at the core of their hug. "And we also know that you're just as confused, excited, and a little scared about these feelings we have for Lincoln right now. But you did what we couldn't; you powered through them and stuck to your principles. We'll always love you for that." The group adjusted their arms in order to tighten their embrace. "Maybe the right decision is to ignore this and just act like normal, but I can't do it… If I reject these feelings, it'll be like I'm rejecting Lincoln." A shiver ran through Lisa's body as she let a hiccup escape her chest.

"But you're right, either we do this together or not at all. If you want to stop, we'll all stop for you. No arguments, no tricks, no deals. We can't do this without you. And if we can't do this together, it's better if we don't do it at all." Lisa had finally regained enough composure to speak. "I don't know what to d-do…" Lori threads her hand through Lisa's hair. "Whatever you do, we'll support it, just like always. We're a family that sticks together, no matter what." Lori and the rest gave one last squeeze before giving their sibling room to breathe. Lori once again reached her hand out to the middle of the room, a loving look asking the question for her.

The little scientist balled her tiny fist near her chest, feeling the rhythm of the organ residing there, listening to it for the first time instead of her most treasured one. "I just don't want to lose him…" She lamented, her voice slightly hoarse. "None of us do." Lori reassured, all the implications delivered by the sincerity in her voice. Lisa looked at each of her sisters. She saw the love and acceptance in their eyes, accentuated by their growing mistiness. They told her any decision she made would be met with understanding and kindness. There was no need to fear, she could stop them and they would still love her afterward. Nothing would be lost and everything in their lives would go back to normal. Her hand tightened, and with great precision, she placed it on top of the eldest daughter's. They were engulfed soon after by the hands of the other children. A pact was made, signed by smiles and tears. This was the unbreakable bond between sisters.

Lori mouthed a silent 'thank you' as she wiped the water from her face, preventing her mascara from running any further. The time for emotions had gone, now it was time for business. It was up to her as the oldest to set the course of the actions they were about to take. "Okay, whew… Alright, first let's remember why we're doing this. Today, Lincoln reminded us that even if we're separated from our special someone, or if we haven't found them yet, no matter how alone or unwanted we may feel, we always know there's one boy who will always love us all, no matter what." The girls nodded in agreement. "Now it's our turn to show him that no matter how awkward he is, no matter how lonely he may feel, no matter what troubles come his way, there will always be ten girls who love and support him, no matter what." The whole group unanimously agreed.

"Good. Here's how it's going to go. First rule: Oldest to youngest." There were some groans of disapproval from the late-born children. "Hey hey, none of that. Lincoln needs to be eased into this. We need to make sure he's comfortable with it first, and he definitely wouldn't be okay with thinking he's taking advantage of the younger kids. He needs the ones with more authority to show him it's fine." "Wow. You're really a natural at being a child predator." Lisa couldn't help getting one more dry jab in before Lori motioned her to zip it.

"Second: Everyone gets one hour." The twins beamed at each other. "Hang on, I mean one hour total. That means if you double up, you're not extending your time. Each girl can only spend one hour with him, period, no piggybacking. This has to be shared equally." The twins plan of getting their brother for two hours fell through, but they were still committed to working as a team. "Third, and this is the most important rule: This is just for today." The leader said in the most definitive tone possible.

"What that means is this is a one-time thing. This isn't going to be the new normal. Not only are we never doing this again, but we're also never going to speak of this for the rest of our lives. Once the clock hits midnight, this fairytale is over and we treat it like a dream. We can still take the lessons and bonds we make with us, they can't ever be erased. But, we will never mention anything we did today and pretend it never happened until the day we die." The girls gulped at the dire implications, realizing how dead set Lori was on making this a singular event.

"I hope Lisa's right that what we're feeling is only temporary, because once tomorrow comes, I don't want to see any of you clinging on to him, kissing him, treating him like your boyfriend, none of that! He's our brother and we love him, and we're doing this to help him feel better about himself. We want him to gain confidence, make more friends, get a girlfriend, have a relationship, succeed at what he wants to do, get married, have kids of his own. No jealousy, no unrequited feelings; we're not trying to become his sister wives! I know it seems like a tall order, but I want to try as much as possible to make sure we all go back to being a loving, chaotic, but still normal family after this. Lincoln needs to learn this too. So, repeat after me, drill it into you, this is _literally_ just for today. Got that?" The girls gave spattering responses, repeating the motto Lori gave them. "Again. Just for today!" They chanted more in sync with each other. "One more time!" Lori commanded with the authority of a colonel. "Just for today!" The sisters harmonized in unison. "Right! Let's do this! Break!" "Break!" With a final hurrah, the team broke their huddle and scattered off to prepare for the day ahead.

"Lynn! Send Lincoln to my room in five minutes. Make sure he's wearing this." Lori commanded as she tossed an item in Lynn's direction. "Got it, coach!" Lynn replied as she caught the toss-up like a linebacker, running backward into the hallway. "Leni, I need your help with my hair and makeup while I get ready. Everyone else, use this time to prepare, help out your sisters whenever you can! We've got twelve hours before bedtime, let's make 'em count people!" "Roger!" the troops saluted as they went to execute their orders, leaving their first and second in command alone together.

Once the door was closed, Lori was able to relax her shoulders and let out her breath. She had really done it. She didn't truly comprehend what she had done, but she understood it was tremendous. "...Leni?" "Yes, Lori?" Leni responded from inside the closet, grabbing their super secret special box of clothes. "Are we doing the right thing?" Despite the emotional high she rode to charge through all the logical opposition, now that she had calmed down, the gravity of what they were planning was weighing on her. She could tell something was genuinely wrong with the situation. The whole family may have been closer because of their abnormal size, but there was never a possibility of the siblings crossing a forbidden line. The ones that even knew of the line's existence always thought it was something done by other deranged people, and that they would never do it themselves. How could one little chocolate so easily flip their moral compasses?

"We're helping Linky. How can that be the wrong thing?" Leni asked while dropping their new uniforms on the bed. "Well… You heard what Lisa said; this could really hurt him… And besides, he does hate it when we meddle. And this is going a lot further than just fixing a paper cut." Lori winced, remembering how over the top they can get when it comes to caring for their only brother. 'Good thing I set some rules.' She thought. "Yeah, but like, we all meddle a little bit. And If Lincoln didn't meddle with my problems, I wouldn't have gotten my job back. Which if you think about it, I only got it in the first place because all of you meddled with me, trying to make me more subversive." "Assertive, Leni." "Oh, right. But still, whenever we help each other, things always work out for the best. And even when we make mistakes, we always work together to right any wrongs."

"That's the problem, Leni. We've made a lot of wrongs before. I mean we've fought, pranked, tricked, swindled, and lied to each other hundreds of times before, and it's always ended badly. Why would this time be any different?" Lori was genuinely thinking of calling the whole thing off and scheduling group therapy; the dysfunctionality of their family staring her in the face for the first time. "Like, I can think of just as many times where we hugged, laughed, helped, cherished, and comforted each other too, though. And, you know, I think this time it's going to work out okay. Because think about it, what are you feeling whenever we get in a fight?" Lori huffed, trying to recall the motivations for every incident she's ever been part of.

"...Mostly jealousy, I guess. Then anger… And also because I was scared of not being needed." Leni nodded her head. "Mm-hm. And what are you feeling now?" Lori sighed, relaxing as she let her sister brush her hair. "...I feel a little excited. A little anxious. And… I feel like I really want to make Lincoln happy." Leni turned her sister around. "That's why I think this is the right thing. It's, like, the thought that counts. When we have bad thoughts for doing something, it's a total disaster; When we have good thoughts for doing things, it turns out fine! We're not having any bad thoughts, so this is going to work out!" Leni said as if she had solved a secret of the universe.

Lori chuckled. "I don't know, Leni. I have a few _bad_ thoughts in my head right now." Leni pensively tapped her chin before forming a coquettish smile of her own. "Well… We wouldn't have any fun if we weren't a little _bad_ once in a while." The sisters broke out into giggles as they wrapped their arm on the other's shoulder, bringing their heads together as they continued laughing about their constant troublemaking. It ended as quickly as it began when Lori brought Leni in for a little sister hug. "Thanks for always having my back, Leni." A moment of peace before the gauntlet. "Mm… Wait? I have your back? Omigosh, does that mean I have bacne too!?"

"Oo-kay, moment's over. Come on, help me get this top on." The pair resumed getting equipped for the day ahead. Not letting a good streak of ideas go to waste, Leni took the opportunity to bring up one more thing. "Lori? Can I ask for a favor?" "I do owe you one, don't I? What do you need?" "Well…"

* * *

####  _Sunday, February 14th, 1216 Franklin Ave, Lincoln's Room, 10:20 AM_

The squeaking of felt on a smooth surface echoed inside the cramped room. Though small, the room exhibited creativity with its collection of geeky knickknacks strategically placed along the walls, dresser, and even the ceiling. In lieu of adopting minimalism, Lincoln had instead maximized every corner of his converted linen closet into the perfect fortress of solitude. Whether it was hanging his shirts above his drawers, installing extra shelf space above his bed, or taping a whiteboard to the underside of his mattress, the boy managed to do more with less square feet than convicts had.

He didn't complain, the trade-off of having his compact living quarters all to himself was more than worthwhile in a house where every other family member had a roommate. Parents included. The click of a cap brought silence back to the abode, as Lincoln finished plotting his ideas.

One of the good qualities about Lincoln is he's not one to sit on his hands when he has a problem to solve. After getting to his room and taking a minute to process his thoughts, he was up jotting down ideas. For twenty minutes, he filled his board completely with plans, strategies, and operations designed to fix the awkward atmosphere he felt was inadvertently created by him. An important lesson he learned very early due to being apart of a large family, and as the only boy amongst girls, you don't get what you want by sitting around moping. You have to go out there and earn it, 'cause no one will give it to you. That's why he's known as 'The Man with the Plan'.

Tapping the marker against his chin, he took stock of his options. "Okay, so we have the basics. Apologizing, pretending nothing happened, or there's always ducking out of the house and avoiding them for the rest of the day; that could work…" Notice the nickname didn't imply they were _good_ plans, but he was willing to try, which was more than most people would do. "Maybe I can convince them it was all a dream and they're still asleep?" He glanced at his wall, once again interacting with an audience that wasn't there, hoping for third-party input. "Nah, that wouldn't work." Another sigh escaping him as he trashed another plot. "I'm overthinking this." He said while rubbing his temples. "I need to reduce the issue down to the core problem…" Before he could begin that thought process, a familiar crackling emanated from his nightstand.

*Kch!* "Come in, Candyman. This is Loverboy. Over." The voice of Lincoln's best pal rang through the tinny speaker of his walkie-talkie. 'Perfect timing.' The boy thought, wanting another person to share his troubles with. *Kch!* "Roger, Loverboy, This is Candyman, reading you loud and clear. Over." Goodness knows why these two continue to use such archaic technology to have long distance conversations with each other. They both have cell phones, for Pete's sake! It must be the sense of adventure and fun that comes with being eleven-year-old boys.

"Hey, Lincoln! Did Lori like my Valentine this year? I spent a week making the mold for that." While Lincoln doesn't mind the crush his best friend has on his older sister, it's not one of his favorite topics. It's not like it bothers him; whomever his sisters date is none of his business, and honestly, he wishes they would show the same courtesy to him. No, the reason he doesn't like discussing it is that, quite simply, it's never going to happen. Lori is totally committed to Bobby Santiago, and there's no seventeen-year-old anywhere that would be interested in anyone younger than a Junior. Can't go on dates with a guy without so much as a learner's permit, after all. Also, Clyde's infatuation tends to throw a wrench into their operations more often than not.

"Yes, Clyde. She liked the statue fine. She took a big bite out of it when she got it." Lincoln omitted how she shrugged and put it back in the box, presumably to save for later, not wanting to spoil her appetite for her boyfriend's gift. "How about you? What did Lori give you?" "Candy hearts! Each red stamped message of 'Be Mine' and 'Luv You' is confirmation we were meant to be together. At least it will be if I ever open it; it's too valuable right now." Clyde had enshrined his gift on a pedestal beneath a portrait of Lori as a precious treasure. If he looked closely, he would realize the hearts say 'Like U as a Friend' and 'Platonic 4-Ever'. Didn't know they made hearts like that.

"How did things go on your end? Did your sisters like the chocolates?" Lincoln and Clyde share everything with each other, so of course, he would know what Lincoln planned today. "Yeah, they did… but there's a new problem. I accidentally made them feel guilty about getting me the same stuff every year, and now they're scrambling to come up with some outlandish last minute gift. It's ridiculous! I didn't want my present to make them feel bad; I just wanted to do something nice this time around. And knowing them, it'll be a huge commotion that'll end in disaster anyway." Clyde listened patiently as his friend vented his frustrations. Something he picked up from his many therapy sessions with Dr. Lopez. Lincoln kicked out the supports for his mattress and flopped down on his bed with a sigh. "I don't want them to fuss over me, Clyde." Lincoln closed his eyes, feeling somewhat relaxed after getting his thoughts off his chest.

"... Are you sure you don't want them to?"

"Huh?" "I mean, this is just a theory but, are you sure you don't want them to pay more attention to you?" Lincoln didn't know what to say to that. Clyde knows what his home life is like, right? "Clyde, I can't get a moment's peace as it is. Why would I want to spend _more_ time with my sisters?" "I don't know, but I don't think you hate it." "I never said I hated it." Lincoln responded defensively. "Let me explain. A lot of the stuff you do is motivated by wanting some 'me time', right?" That's an understatement.

"Clyde, I've fantasized about being an only child. Yes, I like to take a little personal time for myself once in a while. It's kinda difficult when you have ten girls constantly needing you for something." They did seek his opinion on things a lot. Must have to do with wanting a guy's perspective. Often, it seemed as if Lincoln was the first or second person they went to when they had something on their mind. "Okay, but what happened whenever you got your alone time?"

"My sisters would teach me a lesson about not shutting them out and we learned not to take our bonds for granted. Lather, rinse, repeat." Lincoln wondered if he should be a bit more irked at his sisters need to sabotage his attempts at isolation. "Yes, but before that, what else would happen?" "I'm not following, Clyde. What else is there?" "Think about it. What happens when you finally get the peace and quiet you wanted?"

Lincoln pondered, he had no clue what Clyde was getting at. Or maybe he didn't want to acknowledge it. Regardless, he couldn't avoid remembering the time he got a pool for himself. How he spent all day setting it up, only to have it taken over by his sisters. How he laid down the law and kicked them out so he could enjoy it. And how he sat there by himself, not having any fun at all, eventually joining the chaos again with his family in the end. He thought about how he lied about being bad luck in order to spend time alone at home. He went as far as to break Lori's golf clubs to pull that off! And for what? He got bored with being alone after less than a week. Twirling his finger in a circle on his sheets, Lincoln sheepishly admitted. "... I mean, _maybe_ I get a little lonely. But only sometimes!" Clyde, in his role of armchair Psychologist, wasn't convinced. "I'm pretty sure it's most of the time."

Lincoln didn't want to give up that easily. "Oh, come on! Remember when I told you about that time we thought our parents were getting rid of us? I instantly pulled out a tape measure for renovation plans after we were sure I was going to stay. There was going to be a go-kart track, Clyde! Go-karts! But what did my sisters do when I told them they were only getting rid of me? They fought for me; they confronted our parents and cleared up the misunderstanding without a second thought…. That's why they deserve a good gift and I don't." Lincoln realized something about himself that brought down his mood.

'Wow, I'm kind of a jerk… Why am I the only one who thinks about being an only child?' As if sensing his thoughts, Clyde interjected. "Lincoln, before you get too hard on yourself, ask this: Did you _really_ think your own parents would get rid of you guys? Do you know any parents like that anywhere?" Lincoln couldn't recall any examples. "Well no, but we are a handful." Want to guess how much property damage this family causes in a single weekend? "Call me crazy, but I think all of you knew deep down that they weren't going to abandon you. You guys were just playing along with your overactive imaginations and trying to create drama on a slow Saturday." Lincoln scoffed. "That is crazy. There was nothing fun about thinking Mom's criticism of Dad's ties was about us. That stuff hurt!" He remembered the dejected face he made at his Father's comment about the 'White Hare'.

"Look, what I'm getting at is, you don't actually want to be an only child. You indulge in fantasy with full knowledge that it'll never happen. Lots of people do that. That doesn't make it your true feeling on the matter." While Lincoln appreciated his friend's attempt to console him, he was having trouble believing it. "Let's face it, Clyde. I'm not the best brother in the world." "No, you're the best brother you can be. That's all your family asks of you." Lincoln gave a dark chuckle. "Fine. But that still doesn't excuse how I treat them in my head."

Clyde had an idea. "Okay, how about this? Try to imagine life without your sisters." Lincoln rolled his eyes. "Clyde-" "Bare with me a minute. Try actually imagining them being gone, or never existing in the first place. Whatever you can realistically think of that implies never seeing them again. Really meditate on it; don't focus on the superficial. Just let your true feelings flow." Lincoln sighed, thinking this was a wasted effort. But this is his best friend, and he wanted advice. "Might as well give it a shot."

Taking a deep breath and clearing his mind, Lincoln closed his eyes and delved into his imagination. He was ambivalent about this whole exercise; Lincoln already concluded he was the most selfish member of the family, what was creating more childish delusions of his desires supposed to help prove. He sat there, waiting to conjure visions of his idyllic single life. What was it going to be? Him lounging in a beach chair by their new backyard in-ground pool, sipping a tropical fruit drink while reading a stack of comics? Playing video games for hours on end with no interruption on the latest 4K home entertainment setup? How about a bubble bath Jacuzzi in the recently remodeled bathroom/sauna with no lines and infinite hot water?

'Come on, just get on with it already! Show me just how little I care for everyone else…' But, nothing. Lincoln couldn't see anything other than the back of his eyelids. After a few more seconds of no progress, Lincoln opened his eyes with a grunt. "Clyde, this is pointless-" Lincoln blinked. He blinked again. He rubbed his eyes and tried to squint. Lincoln couldn't tell if he opened his eyes or not, as the view was the same either way. Darkness. Lincoln's entire room had disappeared and all he could see was a black void all around him. He thought he had gone blind until he looked down. There were his legs, completely visible, as if he was the only object capable of emitting light in this desolate space. He was sitting in complete nothingness. He didn't attempt to call out for help, for he knew no one would hear him. Instinctively, he was aware everyone he knew and loved no longer existed. He just sat there, letting the emptiness slowly crush him, knowing for the first time what despair truly felt like.

*Krzt* "...incoln? Hello? Lincoln, come on buddy, say something!" In the instant that it takes to flip a light switch, Lincoln's room came back into view. He looked around, confused, as though he couldn't recognize the place. It all came back to him when he realized it was Clyde's voice he was hearing. He pressed his fingers to his eyes and cleared his throat. "Yeah, Clyde, I'm here." He noticed his fingers were wet, then he found more fluid on his cheeks and wiped it all away with a sniff. "You okay, Lincoln? You sound hoarse."

"I'm fine, Clyde. Just… I think you have a point, is all." Lincoln had come to terms with his emotions. "I did want to do something special for my sisters, that part is true… But, now I know another part of me wanted to feel appreciated back." "There's nothing wrong with that, Lincoln. Everyone wants to feel loved in some way or another." Lincoln chuckled at that. "Yeah, I guess they do… Hey, Clyde?" "Yeah, Lincoln?" "Thanks. I really needed this. I know what I need to do now." Lincoln got up and stretched, getting back into his usual upbeat mood. "Yep! Time to start operation: Spend the entire day getting spoiled by my sisters so they don't feel bad and also think of a shorter name for this operation." Clyde laughed from the other side of the line. "Roger that, Candyman. This is Loverboy, over and out."

Lincoln put the receiver on his desk. He lifted his mattress back up, and with the pop of a marker cap, began writing on his board. A single phrase in big bold letters, circled in triplicate. ' **Just go with it!** '. Lincoln smiled contentedly at the plan. He felt better, lighter, and more at ease. "I shouldn't be fighting this. My sisters are doing this out of goodwill, after all. What kind of brother would I be if I refused?" As if on cue, Lincoln got a knock on his door. "Time to get started."


End file.
